My kid, my darling sweet and cute third child, just lied to my face.

Twice.

Then, she stuck her tongue out at me, stomped up the stairs, and slammed her door.

Woah.

Now, before I could even reply or follow her up those stairs, I stopped and wondered why.

Why was she acting this way?

She could be acting this way because I’m a bad mom and I let her do and say whatever she wants.

But I know that’s not true.

I’m far from a perfect mom, but I am a loving mom who consistently reinforces our only two family rules. And I hold her to those rules because they are what keep her safe and help guide her to be the best version of herself.

Those rules are in place so my kids know what I expect of them.

And most of the time, my kids follow them.

And then other days, like today, my kid falls down the rabbit hole into crazy town.

But, like most moms when our kids act out, or act up or misbehave, we start to question everything.

And we can easily assume their outburst is somehow our fault.

We blame ourselves and our parenting skills.

She’s acting this way because I’m parenting wrong.

I’m just an awful mom who doesn’t know what I’m doing.

She’s rebelling because I’m too strict.

She’s testing all the limits because I’m not strict enough.

It’s enough to make any sane mom lose what’s left of her sanity.

And we probably all feel this way because most of society states this explicitly or implies it subtly to moms everywhere: Kids behavior is a direct reflection of the parenting.

But you know what? I call BS.

That is straight-up utter bologna.

The truth behind our kids’ behaviors

Parents have enormous influence over our children and their behavior.

We decide how they will treat us, what is acceptable, and what is not to be tolerated.

We set the tone and the pace and create the environment in our homes where they’ll either thrive or just try to survive.

And for better or worse, we’re their inner voice.

We are guiding them to be who they are, and shaping what they think, feel and believe about themselves and the world around them.

Our reactions to their behavior and our interactions with them directs how they will react and behave in the future.

And while there are definitely days when I could have momed better, I know I’m doing the very best I can…just as you are doing.

We’re present, emotionally and physically.

We’re consistent.

We’re there for them.

We hear them and see them and love them for who they are.

They are served vegetables at most meals and are read to even when we don’t feel like it and we clutch their little hands in a parking lot.

We tuck them in, we kiss the boo-boos, and we cheer them on from the sidelines.

So when our kids have a bad day, does all our awesomeness go away?

Are we suddenly bad moms because our kids just lost their minds and temporarily forgot everything we’ve ever taught them about treating people with kindness and respect?

No, we’re aren’t.

Our mom awesomeness is intact.

How we can react in a measured, more “perfect mom” way

As adults, we know we can only control our own actions, reactions and behaviors.

We can’t force our kids to sleep or eat or go to the bathroom on the toilet.

So a parent can not and should not be measured by their child’s reaction.

We can only be measured by our own reactions.

So back to the sassy pants who just broke both our family rules.

Her little meltdown doesn’t reflect what kind of mom I am.

But, how I react to her behavior does reflect what kind of mom I am.

 

My response says everything… about me.

And whether we’re in public or surrounded by extended family or its only her and me, someone is watching how I handle the situation.

There’s always an audience when you’re parenting…even if it’s just your child.

But it can be harder to deal with tough behaviors when we feel judged by the people watching us.

It’s extra hard when our sweet little angels push our angry mom buttons and tapdance on our last nerve.

And it’s even harder when we’re tired, frustrated and feel burnt out as we watch how “easy” it is for the “perfect moms” around us.

So how do we handle our kids and their less than stellar behavior in a way that leaves us with no regrets afterward?

There are some tricks to help us navigate these tough situations that also help us retain our awesomeness.

1. All behavior is communication

First, all behavior is communication.

My daughter was trying to tell me something but didn’t know it.

Maybe she’s frustrated. Or tired. Or overstimulated.

Maybe she’s mad. Or lonely or scared.

Just like Alexander in one of our favorite books, she was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

She’s not able to tell me exactly what’s going on, but her behavior made it clear: something’s up and I need to figure out what it is.

2. Stay calm

Second, we have to stay calm.

The crazier my kids get, the calmer I get.

Not sure how to stay calm? Try pushing the pause button.

I can escalate the situation and yell or I can deescalate the situation and come to it with calmness.

And since I’m the only adult in the relationship, it’s my job to choose to deescalate.

The seven-year-old definitely won’t do it.

She has no clue how to.

And at this point, she probably wouldn’t even if she could.

3. Their behavior isn’t a reflection of us

And third, we have to remember, when our kids act out it is not a reflection of me or my parenting skills.

She’s just having a bad day.

And we all have bad days, so it’s okay.

But it’s not okay to treat me the way she did.

Her behavior is a reflection of her mood, her emotions and her maturity.

My behavior is a reflection of my mood, my emotions and my level of maturity.

Handling the tough situation

So after I took a few deep breaths, I went upstairs and quietly opened her door. I sat on the edge of her bed.

I told her I loved her very much but she couldn’t treat me that way.

I reminded her of our family rules and pointed out how she must have forgotten them for a second.

And as I sat there, she started to tell me what was really going on. What was upsetting her.

And I listened. She crawled into my lap, the little girl who slammed the door and stuck her tongue out was long gone.

After she told me why she was upset, I empathized. It’s hard to be seven. I gave her the words she needed to say next time and I helped her label her emotions.

But I also oh so calmly reiterated she couldn’t treat me the way she did.

I told her we need to be honest all the time so we can believe each other all the time.

And in our family, we don’t stick out our tongues or slam doors. It’s two of the things we’ve banned to raise kind kids.

Instead, we use our words:

I’m mad.
I’m frustrated.
I need to be alone.

I could feel her nod against my chest and then she whispered, “I’m sorry Mama. I love you.”

And in that moment I knew.

Even though I’m not a perfect mom, I’m the perfect mom for this little girl.

I’m exactly what she needs.

Especially on her terrible, no good, horrible, very bad days.

 

Inside: Find parenting goals that are perfect for your individual family AND 8 of the best parenting goals that will make your life easier.

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As we head into any new year, it’s the perfect time to start reflecting.

What worked for me last year? How can I do things better? What do I resolve to change?

And as adults, we usually focus on weight loss goals or promises to exercise more, or desires to quit a bad habit.

Rarely do we focus on improving our parenting skills.

In the hustle and bustle of everyday parenting craziness like making school lunches and dealing with the piles of laundry and constantly hunting for our kids’ shoes (why, oh, why can we never find them?), we usually don’t slow down and evaluate how we’re doing as parents.

But if we take the time to figure out what we’re doing right and how we can do better in the areas that we’re –ahem– less than stellar in, we can be better parents.

And when we’re better parents, our families grow stronger and our kids feel more connected to us and all our daily parenting challenges will feel a little easier.

But how do we do it?

How do we focus on improving our parenting skills?

We can start by setting parenting goals for ourselves.

Why should we set parenting goals?

No one has an infant one day and is automatically a great parent.

We learn as we go.

We read great parenting books 

And we draw from our own childhood experiences and try to figure out what we will and will not do with our own kids.

But if we decide to constantly improve and adapt and tweak how we act and respond to our children, our parenting skills will strengthen.

And we will become better parents.

Which in turn will make it so we don’t feel like this parenting gig is so darn hard all the time.

Because here’s the deal. Parenting isn’t easy. And it’s not supposed to be easy.

With that being said, it is also true that parenting can get easier.

When we set parenting goals-things we want to improve on to up our parenting skills- it will make us better parents.

And when we feel like better parents, parenting will get easier.

We’ll spend more quality time with our kids and less time being frustrated or feeling out of control or second-guessing ourselves.

And we’ll be able to look back and confidently know we did our absolute best job for our children.

 

How to Set Parenting Goals

Everyone’s parenting skill level is very different.

So to determine what your parenting goals could be (notice I didn’t say “should” be), you first need to take moment and evaluate what you want to improve on.

Or what you want to change about your parenting skills.

Or ask yourself, what feels the hardest when it comes to parenting?

Do you feel like you:

• Yell too much?
• Can’t get your kids to listen?
• Wish your kids would fight or squabble less?
• Have no patience left?
• Wish they were less screen time in your home?
• Never have any time to connect with your kids?
• Never have any time for yourself to recharge?
• Feel like you’re constantly cleaning up after other people?

Once you know what you want to fix, improve, or change, you can set your own parenting goals, specific to what you need to make your life as a parent better.

Parenting Goal Ideas

So not all of these parenting goals will be for you. Some things on this list you’ll scoff at because they come easily for you.

But there will be several on here you can relate to and might want to improve on.

Because let’s face it. No parent is perfect.

So we can all improve on many, if not all, of these parenting goals.

1. Connect more as a family

Many parents want to connect more with their kids, really get to know them, and prioritize more quality time. Because when we take the time truly know who are kids are, and what they think and dream and wish for, we get a little window into their tiny little souls. And it’s magical.

If that’s you, try this:

• Protect family dinner time and ask everyone about the best and worst part of their day.
• Plan a family staycation or getaway you can all look forward to.
• Plan one-on-one “dates” with your kids.
• Start a tuck-in ritual with your kids, even if they’re older (especially if they’re older).

2. Yell less

Many, many parents-me included- allow our angry triggers to affect us and we end up yelling at our kids. No matter how angry or frustrated we get, we can parent with less yelling.

If  you want to yell less, try this:

• Figure out your anger triggers and avoid them.
• Get calm before you react.  These 50 Calm Down Cards can help.
• Take a time out when you feel anger start to rise.
• Recognize your hard times of day and try to find ways to make them easier.

Want more ideas on how to yell less?  Join our Anger Challenge Workshop

3. Focus more on your family values

A lot of families forget to act in kind and respectful ways because when we focus on the everyday nitty-gritty of chores and getting to practice on time and finding kids shoes, we feel like there’s no time left for anything else.

If you want to focus more on encouraging your kids to be more respectful or kinder to you and to their siblings try this:

• Make being kind one of your family rules
• Talk about being kind with these 60 kindness discussion starters
• Model the behaviors you want your kids to follow
• Read books together that showcase the values you want to instill LINK

4. Become more consistent with rules and consequences

One of the biggest frustrations for parents is when our kids don’t follow our rules. It’s often because our rules aren’t clear and the consequences aren’t as consistent as they could be. Or they’re just testing you because it’s their job to test the limits. It’s our job to hold firm and be consistent with our rules.

If you want your kids to follow your family rules more often, try this:

• Decide on your family rules
• Talk about the rules often with your kids so they know what to expect
• Decide what the consequences are for not following the rules and explain them to your kids ahead of time
• Follow through on the consequences consistently

5. Get your kids to listen to you more often

It can be so frustrating and irritating when our kids don’t listen to us. And then we tend to yell because we’re frustrated and irritated. (See goal number 2 again).

If you want your kids to listen to you, try this:

• Make “first time” listening one your family rules.
• Offer positive reinforcement when they do listen like these hole charts that encourage kids to want to listen,
• Tell them what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do (Say: “please walk” rather than “don’t run” or “keep your hands to yourself” rather than “no hitting”).
• Be super clear about what you want them to do.

6. Recharge and focus on self-care without mom guilt

We can’t take care of our families unless we are well…both physically and mentally. So taking care of ourselves helps us take care of our families better. With that knowledge, take the time to recharge and fill yourself up, guilt-free. Because when you’re at your best, you will be the best parent for your kids.

If you want to focus on self-care without guilt, try this:

• Give yourself permission to do what you need to do to stay mentally healthy.
• Make a list of things that would fill you up, then do them.
• If you can’t “get away” make a “happy playlist” you can listen to that will improve your mood even when you feel stuck or are stuck.
• Remind yourself often, “I am enough” and “I am doing enough.”

7. Instill more responsibility in your kids and do less for them

No matter how old your kids are, you’re probably cleaning up after them way more than they need you to be. When we teach kids how to be independent from us, we give them the necessary life skills they will need as they get older to be self-sufficient. Doing too much for our kids can actually be a disservice to them when they’re older.

If you want to teach your kids how to be more responsible try this:

• Give each child an age-appropriate chore every day.
• When asking young kids to clean up, be specific and break up the task (put away all the books or clean up all the toy cars).
• Teach kids larger tasks in a hands-on way like making school lunches, doing the laundry, and helping with the dishes.
• When they do a chore, unless someone is going to get hurt, leave it how they did it, even if it’s not perfect or “your way.”

8. Have less screen time in your house

Screens are convenient, helpful, and fun. And while there are definite advantages to them and moments where we can rely on them, science has shown us time and time again that our kids’ generation (and their parents) are becoming quickly addicted.

If you want to limit screen time, try this:

• Get an app that sets screen time limits and use it.  (we use one called Family Link, I hear Our Pact is good as well)
• Make a family rule for screens that makes sense to your family (Try: no screens on the weekdays unless it’s for school).
• Have more books, games, and projects around for your kids to enjoy.
• When kids complain they’re bored, offer up more chores to keep them busy… They’ll find something fun to do quickly.

Is this parenting goals list exhaustive? Nope.

Will you be able to do all the things all the time on this list? Nope.

Is this list meant to make you feel guilty or that you’re not doing enough? Definitely nope.

But if you’ve gotten this far, you know that no matter how awesome or unawesome we feel about our parenting, when we have a growth mindset as parents and know we can always get better, we’re doing the next best thing.

So no matter what you choose to improve on or what your parenting goals are, the mere act of pausing to reflect on your parenting and wanting to improve proves you’re already an incredible parent.

Because when we take the time to improve as parents, our home, our family, and our kids will be better for it.

And so will we.

Now we just need to figure out how to find their shoes.

Inside: Learn how a growth mindset in parents is the key to a child feeling successful.  

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Last night, around my family dinner table, we threw a party for my 9-year-old son.

We toasted him, we praised him, and we whooped and hollered.

My son, who can not spell well (his last spelling test was a solid ‘F’), just aced his first spelling test. 18 out of 18 correct.

And we were all overjoyed.

But were we celebrating the perfect score? Nope.

The ‘A+’ grade? Nope.

The lack of red marks he usually receives? Nope.

We were acknowledging how hard he worked.

We cheered his effort.

And we praised his ability to know that if he worked hard, practiced and studied, he could get better results.

We were celebrating his growth mindset.

 

Over the years I’ve learned that my son’s growth mindset starts with me.

It starts with how I talk to him about things he’s not really so great at… like spelling.

What is a Growth Mindset?

Last week my son declared to all who would listen, “I’m just not a good speller.”

He had finished a school-wide spelling bee where he got three words out of twenty-five correct.

So, on paper, which was all covered in red marks, he was right. He’s not a great speller.

But even though spelling doesn’t come easily to him, he can’t throw up his hands and think, “Well, that’s it. I’m not a good speller now so I’ll never be a good speller.”

Related: How to Take Your Kid from “I Can’t” to “I Can” 

Because what he didn’t know is that his ability to spell, or his lack of ability to spell, can change.

The skills he currently has can improve and grow as he learns, tries, and practices.

That’s having a growth mindset.

It’s the belief that if we don’t know something, we just don’t know it yet.

If we can’t do something, we just can’t do it yet.

And if we aren’t good at something, we’re just not good at it yet.

Related: The Power of Yet

A growth mindset is crucial because it empowers us to know that our limits aren’t forever limits.

We can overcome our weaknesses, poor grades, and less than stellar performances if we study, practice, and keep trying.

But most kids don’t naturally think this way on their own.

 

This kind of a mindset has to come from us, the adults in their lives.

And our words will shape how they approach every situation. For better or for worse, what we say will become the inner voice in their head.

So to develop a growth mindset in our kids, we need to develop a growth mindset for ourselves.

And we need to choose our words carefully.

A Growth Mindset for Parents

Yes, of course, I want my son to succeed in school. I want him to do well on tests. And good grades are always welcomed.

But much more importantly, I want him to know he can succeed in school.

I want him to understand that if he works hard, practices, and studies, he will show what he knows on tests, which will eventually translate to better test scores.

And I want him to know that an A is only celebrated because it shows he understands the material being covered.

So instead of applauding the A and the great test, we applaud the effort.

We applaud the hard work.

And we applaud the growth mindset.

But it starts with how we talk to them.

Instead of “I’m proud of you,” we say, “You should be so proud of yourself.”

Instead of “I’m happy you got an ‘A’” we say “You worked hard to earn that ‘A’” or “That ‘A’ tells me you really know your spelling words.”

Instead of “You did it perfectly,” we focus on the improvement and say, “You did so much better than last time” or “You’re getting better each time.”

A growth mindset for parents trickles down to a growth mindset for our children.

And we point out why he did better. We ask him why he thinks he got the ‘A’.

Which is crucial.

When our kids can recognize why they succeeded, they can replicate the steps they took.

For my son, he practiced his spelling words every single night for 20 minutes each night. He wrote them, he typed them, and he spelled them out loud.

Related: How to help kids study and succeed in school based on their personality and learning style

And he knows he got the ‘A’ because he consistently studied his words. He practiced and he kept going.

What happens when kids don’t succeed:

Often our kids won’t succeed.

If they’re trying new things or hard things, they will taste failure. Which is okay.

The day my son came home with his spelling bee “F” all covered in red marks I didn’t get mad. I didn’t punish him or tell him “he’s just a bad speller.”

Instead of admonishing the low grade, I pointed out his area of growth.

“This grade shows me you need help. It shows me you need more practice, more study time and help from me to understand it. Can I help you?”

Because that kind of language helps our kids know their lack of success can change.

It reminds them we are here to help them succeed even if they haven’t succeeded. Yet.

 

A parental growth mindset reminds me to keep putting the words into his head that encourages his own growth mindset so after he succeeds, he knows to keep going and keep growing.

He knows he can always improve, and can always get better.

And he knows it comes with hard work.

So yesterday my son came home with another spelling list and he had to start studying all over again.

But he knew that if he put in the time and the hard work, it would pay off again.

He knew he could continue to improve his spelling skills. Week after week. Spelling test after spelling test.

And you know what? He did.

He brought home another ‘A’ with not a red mark in sight.

His hard work and studying had in fact paid off.

So we threw another party.