Inside: Learn why encouraging a growth mindset in kids is so important and how one simple change can get your child from “I can’t” to “I can!”  This post contains affiliate links.

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My eldest daughter is extremely bright and has an incredible memory, which has served her well as a student.

She knew her coins and values before she was 2 years old.

She had her ABCs and sounds memorized, read well before Kindergarten, and devoured chapter books by 1st grade.

She knew her addition and subtraction facts and could spell any word she saw once.

You could show her once and she knew how to do it, so she never had to study.

She never really had to work hard to learn anything.

And everything came easily to her.

Until one day, it didn’t, and it was the end of the world for her.

Since she never came across a problem that was tricky for her, my daughter never knew what it felt like to not know the answer right away.

All of this “easy success” led her to have a fixed mindset about her learning and “I can’t” and “I don’t know how” became her new mantra.

Because she didn’t have a growth mindset, she was stuck. And frustrated.

And so were we.

Why should we encourage a growth mindset in kids?

Since everything had come easily to my daughter in school, she never had to problem solve. Academically, she never had to face something she couldn’t do.

And so in her fixed mindset, that was it…she wasn’t going to be good at third-grade math because she didn’t already know how to do it.

Two-step multiplication problems were her downfall. She simply threw her hands in the air and gave up with a boatload of “I can’ts” as she quit before she ever really started.

What she needed was a growth mindset.

A growth mindset is the belief that anything can be learned and improved on, if you work at it.

Her fixed mindset had her focused on the outcome only: whether she could do the problem or not.

But a growth mindset would focus her attention on the effort she put in to learn a new skill or try a problem different ways until she figured it out.

It would allow her to not know something but still find success at it if she worked hard.

So why is a growth mindset in kids so important?

Listen, not everything is going to be rainbows and unicorns in life.

Not everything will come easily to us or our kids.

When kids face a new problem, they can choose one of two ways to respond.

If they come to a problem or roadblock or obstacle and say to themselves, “Oh well. I can’t do it because of x, y and z so I shouldn’t even try,” we won’t get very far in life.

They won’t meet their potential.

If a child sees a problem as an opportunity to try something new, they say to themselves, “Well, I don’t know how to do it yet, but I’m going to figure it out. I’m going to keep trying until I get it.”

This opens up a myriad of opportunities for them in life and provides them with limitless options.

I choose option B for my kids because I want them to want to try new things.

I want them to see their failures or inability to do something as a temporary set back or as a stepping stone to get better.

And I want them to be lifelong learners who are willing to overcome obstacles, not just stare at them and say, “Oh well. I can’t do it.”

So how do you encourage a growth mindset in kids?

 I used these 5 tips.

But really, it starts with how I talk to my daughter.

The way we talk encourages a growth mindset in kids:

I thought I was doing everything right. I was praising her spelling skills and her reading skills and her math skills. I encouraged her to keep reading, to keep writing, and to keep counting those coins.

But I was praising the wrong thing.

I was focused on the outcome, not her effort.

I never once told her I loved how hard she worked on her math problems.

I never praised her work ethic or told her I was proud of her for solving problems when they felt “too hard.”

And so I missed the mark.

I unwittingly set my daughter up for disappointment and frustration when she couldn’t do a new problem or a new skill.

So we had to back up. We had to teach her how to have a growth mindset.

So we had to:

• change what we say to her and how we say it,
• build her up with phrases that encourage a growth mindset,
• let her know it’s okay to not know how to do something, and
• let her know we value the skills of figuring out the answer more than her already knowing the answer.

Get More Tips Here –> Check out these amazing Growth Mindset Tools

So we now praise effort rather than the outcome.

We praise her ability to try new ways to solve the problem, even if those ways don’t result in a “success” or a positive outcome.

And even when she is successful in solving the problem, we focus on her willingness to attack the problem, rather than her success when she got the problem right.

A go-to “praise phrase” in our house is now: “You worked hard on that! You should be proud of yourself.”

Because here’s the deal, life isn’t going to be easy all the time.

Our kids need to know they can have a problem and work their way through it.

And if they struggle now when the stakes are low, they will gain the confidence they need to work through tough problems and “survive” it.

Because I want my kids to be up for the challenges that life throws their way, whether it be calculus, learning how to ride a bike, or figuring out two-step math problems in the third grade.

And I want kids who say to themselves, “Okay. This is a problem. I don’t know how to do it. Yet.

But I know I can figure it out.

I am a problem solver.

I got this.”

 

More for you:

• Child a Sore Loser?  Try These 4 Tips To Teach Your Child To Lose Gracefully.
• In Defense of The Loud Spicy Families
• Child’s Behavior Becoming A Problem? Try This First

Inside: Help your child who hates losing learn how to lose gracefully without the fits of anger and disappointment.  

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“I’m going to win! I’m going to win”  My 8-year-old beams from the other side of the table.

With the game board covered in trains and cards strewn all over the floor, we’re almost done playing our new game, Ticket to Ride.

My son is ahead in points and he’s downright giddy.

My husband pipes up, “okay, I’m out of trains, it’s time to count up our points.”

We start counting and moving our pieces around the board with each point we’ve made.

Then it happens.  My son stops counting, he’s done, and I keep going and end up passing him by 10 points.

He looks at me.  “Mom!  How did you do that?!  I was winning!!”

Tears well up in his eyes as he yells “I’ve lost!  I’ve lost!”

He sits on the couch behind him, arms crossed, huffing, and glaring at me.

I tempt fate and go sit quietly next to him and I put my arm around his shoulders and gently pull him closer to me.

He pulls away and growls “I’m such a loser.”

Man, this child hates to lose.

Sigh.  

I put my hand on his back and say “I’m so sorry you’re upset that you didn’t win.  You played really well and you thought for sure you were going to beat us all.  Now you’re disappointed.”

“Yes! I’m disappointed!  I wanted to win!” my son says through clenched teeth.

“Okay buddy, let’s talk about this. There were 4 players and you came in second place, that’s pretty good.  You also had a really fun time playing the game and you really thought you were going to win.  It can be so frustrating when things don’t turn out the way you expect.  I understand you’re mad.

You’ll get better as you play more, and you’ll win soon.

Tell me, did you have fun playing?”

He sighs, “Yea, I like the game.  I just wish I could have won.”

“I hear you buddy, would you like to play again and keep trying?”

He heads over to the board and starts clearing off the pieces and quietly responds with, “Yea, I’d like that.”

This is a VAST improvement from his usual response of yelling, crying, and running to his room in a huff.

My son is a perfectionist and losing is hard for him, but it’s something we’ve been working really hard on.

Helping A Child Who Hates Losing

Losing gracefully without big explosions of anger and frustration is hard for kids, especially for kids who are always striving to be perfect.

But as parents, there are things we can do to help our children handle the defeat well, without getting angry ourselves.

Demonstrate Healthy Reactions

Teaching by example is one of the simplest and most effective ways to help children control their reactions to losses.

Let them see you overcome disappointment, congratulate winners, and hold your head up high when you find yourself in defeat.

Point out how well the winner played and also the things you were proud of in your own performance.

Don’t Always Let Them Win

Many parents make a point to allow their kids to win to help build their self-confidence.

Though this can be a good approach on occasion, children can’t learn how to lose gracefully if they never experience disappointment.

Once they are out in the “real world”, there will come a point where they aren’t going to come out on top and that can be a tough lesson to learn on the fly.

Now, don’t pummel them every time they win, they need to learn how to be a good winner too.  But, a loss from time to time will help them learn how to lose gracefully.

Analyze without Blame

Spend a little time talking about why they lost the game or match and what they could have done better.

Focus on places that they can improve and praise the strengths of the winner without being accusatory.

Teach Them The Power of “Yet” and How to Get Into A Growth Mindset

“Yet” is one of the most powerful words in English Dictionary.

When my son yells something like “I can’t win!”  I just reply with “Yet!  You can’t win,  yet.”

Yet is where we start to understand that we can accomplish things we just aren’t quite there yet.

Teach your children the power of “yet,” and that with effort and practice, they will be able to master the game (or math problem, cartwheel, or any other hard thing).

One of the best resources I’ve found to teach children about Growth Mindset and the power of yet is the Big Life Journal. It’s a Growth Mindset Journal for kids.

The 5-day challenges are pretty amazing too.

These challenges helped my son learn the power of “yet,” which is why he was ready to try again when he lost Ticket to Ride the first time.

As he sat up the board again for the next game, we talked about strategy and why I had won the last time.

He’d be happy to tell you that in that second game, he legitimately beat me by 14 points.

He was able to win because he didn’t give up and he learned from his previous loss.

More for you:

• In Defense of the Loud Spicy Family
• 6 Parenting Books That Will Change The Way You See Your Kids
• The Most Powerful Response When Your Child is Inconsolable. 

 

Inside: Learn the best ways to stop a power struggle in its tracks and prevent them from happening in the future.

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“Hey buddy, can you please clean that stuff off the stairs so people don’t hurt themselves?”  My friend makes a simple request to her 6-year-old son.

He looks at her, giggles, says “Nope, I’m going outside!” and runs towards the back door.

My friend looks at me, surprise, embarrassed, and annoyed all at the same time.  She gets up and calmly follows behind

She catches up to him by the door.

He laughs and says “No! I don’t want to!  I want to go OUTSIDE!!”

Sitting on the couch on the other side of the room, I can feel the tension rising and it’s getting uncomfortable.

They’re in a battle and neither one of them are letting go.  They both need to win…

Her son continues to yell and say things like “no,” “you can’t make me!”  and “I don’t want to.”

She takes a deep breath and does the most miraculous thing.

She tickles him!

Seriously…she’s fighting with her child and she tickles him.  That’s not the normal reaction parents have when their child is yelling at them.

“I know you don’t want to clean the stairs!” she says as she continues to tickle him.

I giggled a bit, waiting to see what she does next because this isn’t normal.

 

Then she does the most miraculous thing, she hugs him and simply says,  “Hey buddy, I know you really want to go outside and play, and you can go.  But first, it’s important that you pick up the toys so they don’t hurt anyone.  As soon as the toys are picked up, you can go play outside.”

I held my breath, waiting to see how he’d respond.

He giggles and walks over to the steps and picked up the toys.

“Thank you!” my friend calls from the bottom of the stairs.

She looked at me with relief in her eyes. “I’m glad that worked.”

My friend and her son end up in power struggles all the time, and she’s been working very hard on learning how to prevent and stop them from happening.

It’s so easy to end up in power struggles with kids.

How Power Struggles Begin

Everyone, including children, has a need for power and control over their lives.  It’s part of being human.

It’s comforting to know that we get to make choices and have some sort of control over how we live our life.

But children get very little control over their lives.  We tell them when to eat, what to eat, when to sleep, when it’s time to leave the house, what to wear…the list goes on and on.

When children feel a lack of control, they dig in their heals and fight back.  They try to get some of that control back.

Instinctively when this happens, parents dig in even more because they don’t want to lose control of their children.

And that’s when a power struggle begins.

What we, as parents, really need to do is give children space to make their own decisions, and to become more flexible instead of more rigid.

But that’s so hard to do!

How do we give children control without throwing all of our rules and expectations out the window?

Break Free From A Power Struggle

Yes, children need some control, but they still very much need rules and boundaries too.

So how do you give your child some power while staying within those boundaries?

Well, that’s the trick.

My friend did this amazingly well, and here’s why it worked.

Break the Tension with Humor

My friend was neck deep in a power struggle, and everyone in that room could feel it.

Both sides felt like they needed to win and neither one was backing down.

Nothing good happens when you’re in the middle of a power struggle like this.

One of two things will always happen:

• you’ll end up yelling at your child and there will be tears, screaming, and angry words thrown at each other, or
• your child will get their way and will know that all he has to do is put up a fight to get what he wants.  Then there will be even more power struggles in your future.

So what do you do?

Well…you do what my friend did.  You break the tension.

This is exactly what happened when she tickled her son.  It was so unexpected that he didn’t know how to respond.

But the tension was broken, and she was able to get him to listen to her.

Then she pulled this magical phrase out of her hat.

Say Yes…while saying no.

Instead of saying “no, you can’t go outside and play until this mess is cleaned up,”   she said YES! “Yes, you can go outside and play, but not until you pick up first.”

The message is the same, but the tone is different.

Children automatically want to fight back when they hear the word “no” because it feels like we’re taking their power away.  And we are.

You’ll get a lot more cooperation if you say “yes.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, kids need to hear “no” sometimes.  There are times when it’s appropriate to put your foot down and draw a hard line in the sand, but when “no” is all your child hears, it’s inevitable that they’ll start saying “no” right back at you.

So save the “no” for things that are really important and make “yes” your go-to response.

I know this all sounds counter-intuitive.  We’re the parents, our children should just listen the first time.  But trust me, you’ll have such a calmer and happier home if learn to work with your children instead of against them.

Take it from my badass friend, the mighty power struggle doesn’t have to rule your life.

You too can get a child to comply without the battle.

3 More Magical Ways To Avoid Power Struggles…

• Help your children feel powerful by giving lots of choices throughout the day 
• Lead with empathy so your child feels heard and understood.  They’ll be a lot less likely to fight back when they feel like someone “gets it.”
• Build daily routines so your child knows what’s coming next.

Inside: Find the Best Books for New Parents.  You only three you really need…you can chunk the rest.  This post contains affiliate links.

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My last “baby” is six years old.

I’m far from being a newborn mom.

But I am a brand new auntie, so I signed up for one night of swaddles and diapers and shushing so my sister could sleep a little.

It was a gift to spend that night with my niece. But snuggling her took me back to the tough days of no sleep, struggling with breastfeeding, and not being productive because I had to constantly rock my babies or they’d cry.

And it brought back the rush of emotions too: fear and uncertainty and a lack of confidence in knowing how to help my baby, coupled with an intense and fierce love for this human I brought into the world.

When I was in the thick of the infant days, I was so overwhelmed.

And I quickly realized I couldn’t do it on my own.

I needed other mom friends, my own mom, and well-researched parenting books to get me through the months of those sleep-deprived, emotional newborn days.

But with so many parenting books out there, I didn’t know which ones to choose.

And frankly, I was too tired to choose.

So I relied on my girlfriends to tell me what to read so I could be a better mom to my babies.

And after weeding through books that made us feel guilty or scared, we found the gems.

We found the books that made being a mom easier and more enjoyable, even if we weren’t sleeping through the nights anymore and had sore nipples.

Here’s our list of must-read newborn parenting books that will make your life easier so you can enjoy the days-and nights-with your infant.

The Best Book for New Parents To Soothe Their Newborn

When I was a first-time mom, I had no clue how to soothe a crying baby.

I was worried I wouldn’t know what to do or when to do it and I hated knowing she was uncomfortable because I felt helpless to comfort her.

So I turned to Harvey Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block.

The Happiest Baby on the Block

It was hands-down, the most enlightening parenting book I read as a mom.

Karp describes the first three months of a newborn’s life as the “fourth trimester.” And with that revelation, he encourages new parents to recreate a womb-like atmosphere to comfort babies.

The book helped us create what babies need by introducing us to the 5 S’s: sushing, sucking, swinging, swaddling and being on their side or stomach to emulate their time in the womb.

And if my husband and I did any combination of these 5 things, our daughter would instantly calm down. She would be at peace.

And we weren’t left wondering why she was screaming at 2 am.

Don’t have time to sit and read an entire book? Now, there’s a DVD for parents to watch, which is a perfect way to stay awake during those middle of the night feedings.

The Best Book for New Parents to Understand Their Baby

But what to do when the 5S’s just won’t cut it anymore?

There’s a new book on the market that is half science, half magic, called The Wonder Weeks.

The Wonder Weeks

With sleep deprivation and worries if they’re getting enough milk, getting the right amount of sleep, or if they’re growing properly, parenting a newborn is overwhelming.

Parents are constantly wondering, ‘Why can’t I just put you down so I can sleep, or eat, or actually shower?’

It’s so easy to worry with ‘mom guilt’ that we’re not doing ‘enough’ as moms.

And then there are the times when our babies seem extra inconsolable. Extra miserable. Extra everything. 

It makes the days and nights even longer.

The Wonder Weeks book explains babies’ extra fussy episodes as growth weeks or “wonder weeks.”

These weeks come at very predictable intervals (like at 5 weeks old and 8 weeks old) and explains what your baby is experiencing and why they’re uncomfortable.

Since there’s a logical reason behind their need for extra comfort, it has the power to change parents’ perceptions. The baby isn’t fussy and screaming just because. They’re uncomfortable and scared and unsure of what is happening to their world.

Knowing this empowers parents to be more patient, to have more empathy towards their baby, and to be more willing to provide the extra comfort needed during these wonder weeks of growth and change.

The Best Book for New Parents So Everyone Gets Sleep

I can’t lie. The early little to no-sleep days with my newborns were not my finest parenting moments. I don’t function well with poor, interrupted sleep.

It makes me cranky, easily frustrated, and sucks the patience right out of me. Which doesn’t bode well if you’re also having to parent toddlers at the same time.

I had to sleep train my babies for my own sanity. And for everyone’s safety.

They needed sleep. But I needed the sleep more.

The Sleepeasy Solution was my saving grace.

The Sleepeasy Solution: The Exhausted Parent’s Guide to Getting Your Child to Sleep from Birth to Age 5

I had read that parents can start to “sleep train” babies between 5-10 months, but I had no clue how to do it.

And if you search for it, there’s a myriad of ways to sleep train a baby.

It’s incredibly overwhelming to figure out who to listen to and what is the “right” way to do sleep train.

For us, it was The Sleepeasy Solution because it was the middle of the road intensity level of sleep training that my family needed.

And it saved us all.

I went from having to bounce my babies all night long sitting on an exercise ball, to putting them down and gently teaching them to soothe themselves to sleep.

They became better sleepers and I became a happier mom who was able to function and enjoy them during the day more.

Because let’s face it. The newborn days are hard. We all need help to make them a little easier.

And that will allow us to focus on the really important task at hand.

Getting to know our babies and falling in love with them even more.

Find other great books here:

• 6 Parenting Books That Will Change The Way You See Your Kids
• 4 Books That Will Enhance A Mother’s Life
• The Best Self-Help Books For Women You Won’t Want To Put Down
• Parenting Toddlers Without Losing Your Mind: 4 Books You Need To Own NOW!

My son’s behavior went from fairly normal, to downright concerning and disruptive this past fall.

My husband and I were frustrated and confused about what he might need.

It felt like each morning we woke up to fight a battle of getting ready, then after school, what used to be a peaceful time was punctuated with harsh voices and misunderstanding.

Thankfully, one small change made all the difference.

It just took a few small habit changes.

We wondered if our son needed a drastic change like a new school or counseling, but after a long conversation and some (uncomfortable) self-reflection, we decided to start with something simple.

We looked at where we could add back in more connection to our family life.

The fall had been extremely busy and between a large class size at school and two working parents with big projects taking their toll on our time, we realized my son was spending most days having far less connection than usual to us and other caring adults.

We had gradually let family dinners slip away on most nights, and as my son’s temper grew, we started “just getting through” the morning and afternoon instead of making any time to reconnect.

We decided then that our first step would be to work on getting back to our regular dinners together.

Along with that I went back to a long time habit of having a conversation starter ready for chatting when we were in the car, and finally, my husband and I committed to looking for those little often overlooked chances that arise during family life (maybe while doing dishes or before bed) to chat with just him.

These few, fairly small, adjustments brought about big change.

The black cloud that had been floating around our family started to lift. I realized that once again connection had been the answer.

Often when I feel worried and unsure what to do, this is the case. Even if connection doesn’t fix everything, it at least gives me a stronger sense of the next steps I need to take.

Sometimes it feels too simple, but when our family life is feeling ‘off’ the first place to look is at connections with one another.

Maybe it sounds like a little reconnection would benefit your family too?

The good news is it doesn’t have to be complicated.

As I state in my book Bounceback Parenting: A Field Guide for Creating Connection Not Perfection,  it’s normal for connection to ebb and flow in families, and when you realize your connection is at a low, you can shift your habits to reconnection. This is because connection happens more in your everyday habits than in big events.

Connection is more of a practice.

Connection is a part of everyday life through the way you interact during mundane tasks like making lunches, reviewing homework together, or waiting at the dentist.

As my brother says, “Ninety percent of relationship is in showing up and just doing life together.”

When you stop looking at connection as a special event and instead think of it as a practice, you see that you have countless practice opportunities.

You Can Find Connection:

In the way you greet the people you love and the way you say goodbye.

In having curiosity, listening openly, and seeing your child as a person who can contribute to the conversation.

In pausing to do something at your child’s pace, even when it doesn’t feel convenient.

In the moment you take a deep breath and give a true apology, letting your child see you are vulnerable.

And any time you laugh together.

The practice of connection may include something big, like a birthday party or a graduation celebration, but it is practiced more frequently in day-to-day interactions when we notice the moment just as it is, and the people who are with us—whole and loved, just as they are.

Connection isn’t about getting all these things right.

The truth is, building connection and trust into our family lives will look different for each of us.

It’s not about neglecting your own needs or doing only what your kids want. It’s about finding the ways to

connect that work in your family and transforming your days by trying these ways to connect over and over again.

And when you can reinvigorate the connection in your family, everything else gets easier.

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Alissa Marquess is a mom to three, the founder of Bounceback Parenting and the author of Bounceback Parenting: A Field Guide for Creating Connection, Not Perfection. She helps parents build loving, resilient relationships with their kids without the guilt. Online and in popular coaching sessions, she’s been inspiring millions of parents around the world since 2010.