If you’ve ever tried to help a crying kid calm down, this might sound familiar to you.
My 4 year old stands there bawling in the middle of his room.
All I did was ask him to put away the Duplo bricks
“Kiddo, I don’t understand why you’re so upset, can you tell me why you’re so sad?” He looks at me and bawls harder.
I drop to my knees and pull him into a big hug and say “Hey buddy, it won’t take too long to put away the Duplos…” his loud cries interrupt me.
I start to get frustrated. All I want him to do is put away the random bricks laying around the room, it’s not that big of a deal. To me at least.
Impatiently, I hold my boy a little longer and ask him again to tell me why he’s crying.
Between the hiccups and wails, I hear him say something about his inventions.
Then it clicks.
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I look around the room and see them. His inventions.
My boy has spent all week long building inventions out of Duplos. He spends hours getting them just right and even more hours playing with each and every one. It’s all he’s played with for days.
And here I am, asking him to put away his Duplo.
Of course, he’s upset.
But there’s been a miscommunication problem here. I wasn’t asking him to take apart his inventions. I was just asking that he put away all the extra bricks that weren’t being played with.
So I try to tell him that he gets to keep his inventions.
More crying.
I ask him to only put away the extra bricks that aren’t being used.
Even more crying.
I try reflecting his feelings. “Oh honey, you’re so upset. You don’t want to clean up your Duplo.”
Now he’s wailing.
This kid is so upset that he can’t hear me.
His brain is being so flooded with emotion that he literally can’t think straight. He can’t calm down enough to understand what I’m trying to tell him.
He needs to calm down.
So, I think back to my days as a therapist and I pull out my #1 favorite calm down tip for kids.
I put my hands on his shoulders so that we’re face to face. I whisper to him “Hey buddy, do you want to play a little game really quick? It will be fun.”
His tear-filled blue eyes look up at me and he nods.
“Okay, it’s super simple. Can you point out 5 things that are blue?”
He hiccups in sorrow but looks around the room. Slowly he walks over to his Duplo bin and says “this is blue….one.” He continues walking through his room pointing out all the blue things.
His cries stop and he starts smiling as he goes.
“Two blue, three blue, four blue, five blue! I got 5 blue things, Mama!”
“Awesome job kiddo. Now can you find 4 yellow things?”
With a huge smile on his face, he does it again.
When he’s done, I ask him to sit in my lap.
I explain to him that I know how important his inventions are and that he can keep them out as long as he’d like to.
Together, we find the perfect place for them to go.
Then I ask him to look around and to put away any Duplo bricks that aren’t being used and starts to clean. That room is picked up in mere minutes.
Seems like magic huh? The trick is knowing how the emotional brain works.
Help Kids Calm Down With A Brain Game
When we get upset, our brains are functioning in it’s more primitive brain or the limbic system. This part of the brain controls our emotions.
This happens in adults and children alike. But, the adult brain is fully developed (if you’re over 25 that is). So, we can control our emotional brain a little better than kids can.
When our brain is functioning in the limbic system, it has a harder time functioning in its upper brain where logic takes place. Literally, we’re so emotional that we can’t think straight.
One quick hack to get people, including kids, to calm down is to get them thinking. This moves brain functioning from the emotional brain to the logical brain.
Whenever you notice that your child is overwhelmed…
Get their attention first by doing something unexpected. Turn on and off the lights, get really excited and jump up and down, whisper so that they have to lean in to hear you.
Ask them to play a quick game and challenge them to…
- Name 5 things that are blue
- Tell me 3 things you hear right now
- What’s 2+2? (ask based on their ability)
- What are 3 things you can touch right now
Keep it simple but get them thinking.
Related Book: The Whole Brain Child
It’s frustrating when a child melts down and becomes illogical.
You want your child to listen and to do what’s asked of them. But an upset child will never be able to pick up those Duplos…
So, help your kid calm down so that they can do what’s asked of them.
It’s a win-win for both you and your child.
Psst: This brain game works well for frustrated Moms too 🙂
If you’re looking for more tips on how to stay calm…and get your kids to listen to you, check out my free workshop below.
This is a great approach. I need to come up with nonverbal ways of getting out of the meltdown stage. Getting my girl to point etc is tough once she has gone full blown. It can sometimes end abruptly with a simple thing like pulling out a cache of ponies she hasn’t played with in awhile. Right now my biggest challenge is her “sleep and screech” routine All NIght Long…Also, must add – I have done this type of brain game on myself for years and didn’t realize it was a “practice.” When I would be ill or overwhelmed, having panic attack in public, etc. I would start listing, in my head, the names of every fruit I could think of. Then colors, then cars, etc. I have used this for my older kids alot, esp at night time when they are having sad thoughts and having a hard time getting relaxed to sleep. I tell them to do this when their brain “interupts” with the other thoughts that have them worrying, etc. Thank you for sharing this story.
Thanks for even more tips, Annie!
Yes, those are GREAT ways to get out of the emotional part of our brains. Thank you!!
Amanda, any tips for how to apply this to an emotional teen (like 18) or young adult (22)? Not sure sure they would participate in locating four blue items. : ) But they do get into that nonlogical part of the brain when life throws a challenging curve and all we want is for them to do their chores or something similar.
It depends on what sort of meltdown. I’m a 19-year-old with borderline personality disorder and that routine actually does help me (just don’t make me move during it, I’m a lazy teenager, after all). It’s pulled me out of my hysteria on occasion long enough to pull myself together… but it also doesn’t always work because I do refuse to do it on occasion. In my case, I don’t want to be pushed over a line when I’m stressed out already.
Usually the best answer is to drop the source of the anger/stress and save it until later. Suggest something calming, like “how about we take a break from (stressful thing) and go do (calming thing).” Maybe a bike ride, a walk, or sitting down to watch a shared favorite movie. Then later, when they’re calm, you should bring it up again — “remember that I mentioned this? I want you to do this because (adult reasons).”
Don’t say “do it because I said so,” or “do it because you’ll do as I say under my roof.” Give actual reasons — “I would like you to contribute just as much as your parents, now that you’re an adult,” or “I want you to clean your room because I would like to not trip over things when I check in on you.” It’s 100% on respect, and these “kids” are grownups, now, in all reality, and they want to be treated like one. It’s half the reason I’m living on my own now, I think, because I refused to be talked down to once I turned 18.
Best of luck with your kids. I hope my personal experience helps a bit.
Great tip! I have often wondered how to get my daughter past “the point of no return”, as my husband and I call it. Knowing her and given that she is now five, I just know this will work wonders on her as she is an overthinker, so I think this kind of game will be very tempting for her overactive mind that always pushes logic to extremes! Thanks a lot for this, I guess I can also apply it to myself when I get frustrated and can’t get my “perfect picture” out of my head when things don’t go my way!
You’re so welcome!
Thank you for the idea. Lately when my two year old is screaming inconsolably I grad a book set him in my lap and start reading. He calms down pretty quick and listens to the rest of the book.
Excellent post. Great information to help parents and people that work with children. Children cannot function or think logically when they are in that emotional state. Great tips. I am going to share with my clients
It definitely sounds like a handy way to get kids to stop crying.. however I have alarm bells ringing that many parents will attempt this every time their child needs to have an emotional release. All children need to have a good meltdown / emotional release sometimes to empty their emotional backpack so to speak. Do you also address this need in a blog post somewhere?? Thanks.
I actually don’t have a blog post about this, yet. But I need to write one. I agree with you 100%, it’s good for kids to cry and release their emotions. Meltdowns are extremely healing. In this situation, I found that a grounding technique like this works well because it was such a small miscommunication on my part. I knew that if I could just get him grounded that I could apologize for not explaining myself and move on. Plus, in that moment I didn’t have the time to let him cry it out fully.
I also think it’s important that kids learn how to manage their emotions now so they have those skills as they grow. This was not a distraction at all, but more of a lesson in self-regulation.
The above question and response helped settle some concerns for me as well. Might be worth emphasising the idea of grounding and self-regulation, in the blog post, rather than the focus being on achieving the desired outcome? I am curious to read more of your posts. Thank you.
Is emotional meltdown the current word for Tantrum? Is that what it’s called in the supermarket when your child doesn’t want to do as he is asked. CAn you sit him down on your lap and try these methods.? Don’t think so.
Oh, but this isn’t a tantrum. A tantrum is a power struggle between you and your child. It’s when you ask a child to do something and they refuse out of defiance. This was a child who was upset and sad that he was going to lose one of his favorite possessions and something he worked so hard on. He wasn’t upset that I asked him to pick up, it wasn’t defiance. There’s a big difference and it should be treated very differently than a tantrum. And YES you can absolutely use this method in the grocery store. Hug a crying child, reflect their emotions, and use this technique to calm them down. It will work beautifully. You can put down a boundary and still respond in a loving and kind way.
Well said. Parents today are scared or have no idea how to control their toddlers. So many rules and any excuse to get away from the heart breaking job of proper discipline. When the child can feel secure coz the parent is in control instead of them. Must be a frightening world for these children who have far too much control.
Do you any tips to calm down get a 20 month-old? She gets really frustrated when I don’t understand what she’s trying to tell me. Often she can point and we figure it out together, but sometimes with really simple things she starts crying.
My primary response is to hug and let her calm herself down a bit…and then distract her. Doing this with a simple mind game is a good idea that I will certainly use.
But when she gets angry she wont let me hold her (she basiccaly lies down, crying and/or screaming). How can I get her attention at that point? Or is it better to (if the situation permits) just let her for a while and get her attention when she is already calmer?
Oh that amygdala!
I used to hold my children so they felt safe then would suddenly whisper, “Did you hear that? It sounds like, a —. Or I would suddenly collapse to the floor in front of them singing their favourite song, all to help break their mood.
These intense feelings are scary for young children
Let me start by saying I don’t have children. However, I was in a 15 year relationship with a grown woman who, in full meltdown mode, behaved not unlike the child described in the post. Completely flooded and inconsolable. One day her mom recalled a story that put the pieces together for me. She recalled a tantrum from about age 5 or 6, full on the floor crying, screaming “You don’t love me” – and each time, her mother would say “Stop crying, of course I love you” or “yes, I really do love you.” But it didn’t help, the crying and sobbing got worse, till the mom was at her wits end, and finally said “ok then, I don’t love you!” She couldn’t recall if the crying stopped then, but I can say with certainty that it created a lasting emotional dynamic in her daughter, who in the midst of a meltdown will push and push as if to provoke confirmation that her deepest fear of being unloved is actually true.
It’s too bad healthy parenting tips were so rare 50 years ago.
WOW, Dean, very powerful, thank you for sharing!
Such lasting effects are horrible.
We can now change the world by treating just one child differently.
Thank you again! your message is very important to me!
I think it has its place and there is a time and a place for different approaches including this (god knows you need a swag of them at your fingertips), but I think there are pitfalls if you use distraction too often when emotions get really big! Certainly asking questions and trying to rationalise doesn’t work, but I think noticing / acknowledging / empathy / “getting” that if feels so hard right next now and staying with kids in their big emotions show them that their feelings are ok and that you can handle them. That way they can come back out of that pit of despair in their own time with u along side of them…..
Agree 100%. This is just one tool in a whole parenting toolbox. This is also not about distraction, I actually don’t think distraction is a good parenting technique. This is a way to ground a child back into the here and now, it’s a very successful and widely used therapeutic technique. Empathy is always the best way to help an upset child. But in this situation, I found that a grounding technique like this works well because it was such a small miscommunication on my part. I knew that if I could just get him grounded that I could apologize for not explaining myself and move on. Plus, in that moment I didn’t have the time to let him cry it out fully.
I also think it’s important that kids learn how to manage their emotions now so they have those skills as they grow. This was not a distraction at all, but more of a lesson in self-regulation.
This is fab thank you. I do the double distraction. I ask a question that I know they’ll be interested in or something they’d know about but before they get the chance to answer, I change the subject but also something that grabs them. They try to hold on to the first thought so they can answer, because they really want to but they don’t want to forget the second point either. Whichever you end up talking about, the original need for the distraction is long gone.
Love this tip , my daughter is on the autisum spectrum going to give it a shot , I might modify it a little bit for her. Thank you
Ok. I’m a mother of 4 and have read and used all kinds of techniques. My youngest child (2yr old) came 7 years after the first 3. It has been a long while since I’ve had to use techniques to get through the Terrible Twos and I’m having a really hard time understanding my 2 yr olds tantrums. In your situation you recognized what was upsetting him.. My son has started having meltdowns all day over everything. I use distraction alot but I’m having a hard time justifying using it when I know he is throwing a fit for wrong reasons. I want to teach him that it is inappropriate to kick scream and get angry because your not getting your way or because your not getting to do what you want. He will not respond to anything I’m trying and it’s getting worse. Sometimes I feel like distraction is my only option to calm him down and then I talk to him later about correcting his behavior. Distraction helps in public or when you don’t have time. Except now, he knows that I’m distracting him to calm him down and he doesn’t like it.. he doesn’t want to calm down. Some days it really seems like he has melt downs all day over silly stuff on purpose. I know that sounds stupid … but I think he does it on purpose sometimes. I would appreciate any suggestions you might have! I have tried everything. At 2yrs old I know that he can’t control himself completely but I want to teach him that he doesn’t have to Meltdown over everything and that it is not acceptable.
I cannot tell how long this post has been here so I’m sorry if this is incredibly late. Two thoughts: 1. I’ve noticed my daughter is increasingly difficult when I spend a lot of time using technology (I admit I’m distant and often forget to follow through on promises and/or discipline–I’m not “present”). Is it possible that you are too distracted and not parenting your best? I’m not trying to place blame…I’m asking a question to get you to consider it as I know this is my own problem. 2. Is it possible that your child has some special need that makes it harder for him to control himself? If you think that this is a possibility you should consider calling your local public school or district. As a tax payer your child is entitled to testing and interventions even if your child does not attend school yet. The program is called Child Find. Best wishes!
I had a similar child and I set a safe place to scream it out. If we were in a restaurant she would get the 1 2 3 count and then I would take her to the car, into her car seat and explain that she could let me know when she felt calmer. I would stand out side the car by the window so she could see me. Or at home, in her room, door open me in the hall. When the self calming occurred we hugged and talked/soothed. As time went by I could ask the question, “how could we solve this problem in a different way” Lets think of three ways that you could have fixed this problem. Sample: her water was too warm. Solutions: 1. tell a grown up, 2. ask for some ice 3. drink it warm this time. She is five now and starting to think of her own solutions.
Thanks, Amanda. This approach is fabulous! Eureka!
It pays to listen to the children. They are reasonable indiduals with choices too. Let’s try and find out why they choose to do what they do instead of insisting on “obey the last order” kind of approach.
My love to you.
This is great. I have a different question. I have a nine-year-old boy I adopted him when he was six. He moved in with me when he was three years old through foster care. I have six children 15-year-old girl, 12-year-old boy, 10-year-old girl, nine-year-old boy, five-year-old boy, three-year-old girl. My nine year old boy walks around with a constant chip on his shoulder. He gets angry at the littlest of things. Very stressful for the entire family. I don’t know what to do. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know what to tell him. He’s always playing the victim him. We’ve had 17 foster kids and at home. And then her acted like this. Do you have any suggestions?
Great tip for kids with Aspergers!! Our son would get so upset you couldn’t talk to him. After he calmed down we could talk and understand eachother!
Oh yes, I bet it works great for them!
I think what might be so powerful about this technique is that you are bringing your child into the present moment and out of their thought-stream which is overwhelming them. We teach a similar exercise in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) called notice 5 things – 5 things you can see, 5 you can hear, 5 you can feel against your skin. This exercise can be very effective at giving people space between themselves and their thoughts and feelings. With you child this results in them being able to listen to you and process what you are saying again because you have helped them to be in the here and now rather than stuck in their own head. However you interpret it, it is great advice for parents, thank you for writing it.
Hey Holly, that’s exactly what it is. It’s the beginning of a therapeutic technique called the 5 senses grounding method, or the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method. In adults it’s 5 things you see, 4 things you touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste, I just typically do the seeing one with kids. The adult one is used for people with PTSD or severe anxiety to help ground them back to reality. It works beautifully for anyone experiencing high emotions though. I’m glad you liked this and are using a version of it in ACT.
Brilliant words. Seriously.
And I hope my question doesn’t take away from that in your eyes – it shouldn’t.
Not sure how many kids you have or their ages, so this may not be something you’re familiar with (feel free to bow out)…
How do you respond / react / teach when your child isn’t just being difficult about a chore, but is being obstinant about pursuing an activity that hurts others in the room?
Ex: Dinner is near boiling over. Your husband is at work. Your 1 year old daughter wants nothing more than to just walk around the living room & look at things. Your 3 year old boy gets the bright idea to swing a heavy wooden toy on a string in big swooping circles that is the next black eye for baby, the next hole in the wall, or the next broken window.
I don’t mean to be drastic, difficult, or pose an impossible question.
This is real life. Your methods are perfect in this article & save us from dozens of tantrums on a daily basis.
But how do you deal with dangerous/wreckless behavior & how do you handle the 1-2 moments per day when you don’t have the grace of time on your side?
All perspectives are appreciated. 🙂
I just want my son to be happy & understood, my infant to be safe, & my home to have walls left to climb. Sigh lol sigh lol
Duplos are one thing; a four-year-old inconsolable because he wants to stay with you and not go to his father’s house is another thing. I haven’t found a solution to this yet.
I am a TK teacher and I am so thankful you shared this! I have many students this could help! Do you think this would work for kids with Aspergers and ADHD who need time to calm down? Is it best to try and distract them with a game or give them space and alone time to cool down? Thanks!
Hello, I just want to contribute as much. I just enrolled my kid to this international school, I’m just amazed as to how they conduct child every time they do tantrums and being upset. I couldn’t agree more with this list though. Nevertheless, thank you for sharing this!
What about when your nearly 5 year old step son just says “no” when you ask them to play a game, or says “i dont know” when you ask them why theyre crying, and literally can NOT stop or control his emotions? His mother has emotional issues and does not/ refuses to see the emotional instability she has taught him! NOTHING we have done helps this poor kid to not cry about EVERYTHING or be able to communicate his emotions! 🙁
That’s great! I am a nanny and need to use these tactics. But it makes me feel bad to basically change the subject, as if I am disregarding their feelings. Any suggestions for that?
Will this work with a child who is stuck in grief? My daughter (8 year old) is fine most of the time, but a couple of times a month will start crying about our cat that passed away more than a year ago. I try to talk her through what she is feeling in the moment and have tried distracting her with fun activities, but it’s like she gets stuck in the emotion and ends up crying herself to sleep. Will helping her access the logical side of her brain help in that case too?
Hey there, I would actually not recommend this for a child in grief. This is best used for miscommunications and small problems, but not when a child is upset and grieving. I’d allow your daughter to cry and let out her emotions about her cat. Maybe have her write letters to her cat, grow a flower/tree in her honor, or something else in her memory.
Hi I wanted to ask about my 4 year old foster child, when she has her tantrums I seem to be unable to communicate with her, she continues to say “Stop talking to me”, You’re not listening”, but I have listened and she isn’t getting what she wants but she’s usually too far gone to help. We think the may have RAD which I’m guessing there would be a completely different technique to help her. I am going to do a course about RAD on the Foster Parent College and see if this helps. I do love your technique though and it’s so much nicer to help them instead of leaving a child to cry 🙂
Yes, RAD is a different beast than just a child having a meltdown. I’d suggest replying, “I hear that you’re really mad, and that’s okay. I’m just going to sit right here with you until you’re calm and ready to talk with me again.” Kids still need to know you’re there, especially kids with RAD, and a lot of time they just need time to cry and be emotional.
This is great advice! I have been doing different versions of this with my son since he was little. Distracting them towards something other than the issue at hand works wonders. Thanks for writing this!
Thank you so much for this post, Amanda!
Many parents (me included) would’ve insisted on taking the “logical” approach, to sit down with an upset child to talk things out. Hardly works, by the way! Who would’ve thought asking about something seemingly random can sort things out!? Gotta love science – and your blog.
Thanks again, Amanda.
Thanks Candice. Gotta love science and brain development 🙂
I love this idea. I’ve often read that you can’t reason with a child when they are in that heightened emotional state, but I hadn’t seen anything about how to help bring them down from that state. Can’t wait to try this!
Love this…Anxiety/panic grounding technique! Works everytime. Just 54321 it.
I think I need to post such a list on my bathroom mirror, so I can use it when I’m having a meltdown. Sometimes, I think I have more of those than my kid.
Hey,
My daughter was sitting in the car going emotional in the back. And I did as you wrote: “Hey what can you see thats blue in the car, fast fast fast, 5 things.” in a very funny way that broke her pattern.
She smiled from ear to ear as she searched for 5 blue things. Then we went to explain how we could react different if she wants attention, when her emotional state started going into sadness. We quickly searched for yellow things. 5 yellow things. Again, same result- she immeditately smiled and search for yellow things.
Thank you so much for this insight. I am thinking on how to use this on adults at my workforce 😉
Geraldine
Love this! Thank you!
This is quite interesting. I’ve not had to face such situation with my kids but this will come in handy some day.