• Shop
  • Login »
  • Your Account
  • Logout »

Messy Motherhood

messymotherhood.com

  • Start Here
  • About
  • Blog
  • Shop
  • Anger Management
  • Family & Motherhood
  • Parenting
  • Play

September 13, 2017 by Nicole Black 14 Comments

Focus On This When You’re Angry to Help You Be a Calmer Parent

My eldest daughter is a mirror image of myself. Watching her grow up is like watching my childhood on reruns.

And for some reason—maybe it’s because we really are so similar—she pushes my proverbial mom buttons with more frequency than my other two kids.

So I have always struggled to stay calm and rational when she makes choices that are—ahem—less than desirable.

And some days are harder to keep my anger towards her in check. Because she should know better. In fact, she does know better. My anger boils up to the surface faster because I expect greatness from her.

I was in her bedroom one afternoon to deposit a few of her things that she had left all over the house and I saw a candy wrapper on the floor. Slightly annoyed, I bent to pick it up. And my annoyance deepened when I saw another candy wrapper just under her bed.

And then I found the motherload: a stash of empty candy wrappers tucked under her pillow case.

My annoyance quickly turned to full blown anger.

I was livid.

Sometimes we get angry at our children.  Hey, it happens.  Here's one simple tip to help you stay calm when you want to explode.

We have had this conversation before. Several times before, in fact.

I have heard her promise she won’t eat candy in her room before.

We have explained the perils of being sneaky and how it negatively impacts how much we can trust her.

We have reminded her that she already gets a small dessert for both lunch and dinner so it’s unhealthy to eat more sugar.

We have discussed cavities.

We have even talked about mice and vermin.

But since all these angry conversations had clearly not sunk in, I was beyond mad at her. And I was getting angrier and angrier with each wrapper I dumped into the trash.

I stood in her room and bellowed her name in my scariest mom voice so we could have yet another angry conversation about trust and cavities and mice.

As I sat down on her bed to catch my breath and wait for her, I started to calm down a little. My breathing returned to normal and I wasn’t the panicky out-of-mind angry.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I was still mad. But I was a calmer mad.

respond with love when you're angry at your kids

Sitting there on her pink comforter, I looked around her room and thought of us snuggling in her bed last night to read our book about extraordinary women. She’s such an incredible reader, I thought.

And then I saw her stack of stationary and gel pens on her desk and I was reminded of what a kind friend she is to write notes to old neighbors.

My eyes shifted to her violin stand in the corner of her room and I smiled as I thought, what an incredible ear for music she has always had.

And even though I was still mad at the hidden candy wrappers, as these thoughts played out in my head, I became less mad at her.

I chose to focus on what she does that is right.

I purposefully remembered a few of the things that I really love and am proud of her for.

This revelation allowed me to approach the conversation about trust and cavities and mice with rational points rather than irrational angry bursts. I was able to focus on the behavior and her actions and not on her as a person.

I avoided the angry “How can I ever trust you again?” and the “How many times do I need to tell you?” and the “I can’t believe you didn’t follow the rules again?” comments.

And since I stayed clear of statements that would shut her down emotionally, I could really get through to her because I was able to explain why sneaking candy–and more importantly, sneaking in general—is never an okay choice.

I was able to say with great calmness, “I love you. And I want to trust you. But when you sneak things that you know you shouldn’t, that trust breaks down. We need to build it back up. It will take some time, but I know we can do it together.”

one simple trick to staying calm when you're angry at your child.

 

This time, without the intense anger, I think she really understood my concerns. We ended our talk by discussing what trust means to both of us…which is definitely a topic we will need to revisit and build upon as she becomes a teenager.

She still had a consequence for breaking the rules. But she was actually okay with it. She didn’t whine with a “But that’s not fair.” Our conversation ended with a hug rather than an eye roll.

When I took a second to remind myself of what I love about her at the exact moment I was so very angry with her, it saved us and our relationship a lot of hardship. We didn’t need to battle. We could approach a serious infraction with calmness and love.

So I urge you, take a moment to think of three things that you really love about each of your children.

And before you react to them in anger over spilled juice or not staying in their bed, let these three thoughts of love run through your mind.

You will approach the situation with a better perspective about what’s truly important.

My thoughts allowed me to focus on what really mattered…my daughter, our relationship, and my unwavering love for her.

And as with most things in life, love trumps anger every time.

 

More Good Reads for You:

  • 5 Myths About Yelling At Kids
  • The Most Powerful Response When Your Child is Inconsolable
  • Are You Stuck In A Mom Funk?
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Google+
  • Pinterest

Filed Under: Anger Management

Comments

  1. Liz says

    September 15, 2017 at 9:05 am

    In this situation the hiding and eating of candy may be an issue in and of itself. Maybe she eats due to her stress? Certainly the angry yelling wouldn’t help. Besides cavities can be caused by just not caring for ones teeth, not consuming sugar alone.

    Reply
    • Nicole Black says

      January 18, 2018 at 10:48 am

      Thanks, Liz. We’ve been dealing with it and it has improved.

      Reply
  2. Amy says

    September 15, 2017 at 10:56 am

    Thank you for this beautiful reminder! Your relationship with your daughter sounds exactly like mine, and as I walked past her room this morning and noticed the messy, un-made bed, I made it a point to notice the sweet pictures she has hung all over her walls…pictures of her with me, her dad, her sister and brother…her family. We are it – her family – she will have us forever, and we will have her forever. Nothing can break that bond of family. Not even harsh words, or mean thoughts; HOWEVER, those thoughts and feelings need to stay in check so we can always stay mindful of the good that we have. Thank you again!

    Reply
    • Nicole Black says

      January 18, 2018 at 10:48 am

      Yes!! What a lovely sentiment! I’m so glad this resonated with you!

      Reply
  3. Kara Seger says

    September 15, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    This was perfect & divine timing for me to read. I have been struggling with my relationship with my oldest-8yo(of 4) daughter and it’s consuming at times. Well, my anger is actually. cant express my heartfelt gratitude for your candor & vulnerability. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Nicole Black says

      September 15, 2017 at 6:16 pm

      Kara…thank you for your sweet words. I’m so glad the timing was right for you to read it. Our eldest daughters will be a constant source of joy and anger… Hopefully we can focus more and more on the joy…

      Reply
  4. aditi says

    September 16, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    Profound wisdom, i must admit.

    Reply
  5. Chantal says

    September 19, 2017 at 8:14 am

    Very beautiful! Thank you! Sounds very similar to my own story and daughter!

    You sound like a very connected and attuned parent. I wonder if you are familiar with Hand In Hand Parenting (they shared this article which is how I saw it)? Think you would love it and it gives options beyond consequences which further will strengthen the amazing work you are doing!

    Xx

    Reply
  6. Nakisha William says

    November 6, 2017 at 2:02 pm

    Thanks for giving me the idea of 3 thoughts on love. Sometimes my child makes some mistake that rises up my anger. Your 3 thoughts help me very much to dominate on anger from now.

    Reply
    • Nicole Black says

      January 18, 2018 at 10:47 am

      I’m so glad you found it helpful!

      Reply
  7. Kalule Fred Hugo says

    November 26, 2017 at 3:35 am

    Thank you so much, I have learnt how to check my anger by differentiating between actions, behavior and some ones personality.
    Thanks whence again.

    Reply
    • Nicole Black says

      January 18, 2018 at 10:46 am

      I’m so glad it helped!

      Reply
  8. Mom of 3 says

    January 6, 2018 at 11:23 pm

    Ooh boy… this just came in time… reading it was like replaying everything that goes on between me n my 9 yr old son… who is a Just like me as well and i m ever on my edge for the things he does… thank you …

    Reply
    • Nicole Black says

      January 18, 2018 at 10:46 am

      I’m so glad it resonated with you!

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Search

Join the 400,00+ Moms who get tips sent straight to their inbox

Sign up to receive
my best parenting tips:

Click Here to Subscribe

Click Here for Free Stuff from Messy Motherhood

Popular Posts

In Defense of The Loud Spicy Families

5 Podcasts That Will Change The Way Your Kids See The World (and that you’ll enjoy too)

5 Myths About Yelling At Kids

The Most Powerful Response When Your Child is Inconsolable

stop the after school meltdowns and attitudes with these great parenting tips

5 Sure Fire Ways to Stop The After School Attitude

parenting books every parent should read FB

6 Parenting Books That Will Change The Way You See Your Kids

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Copyright ©2018 Messy Motherhood

All text, images, design, titles, recipes, and other matter appearing on Messy Motherhood ("messymotherhood.com Material") are copyright of Messy Motherhood and / or its contributors unless otherwise specified and may not be transferred or copied - digitally or otherwise - in any manner without written permission of Messy Motherhood. No alterations or modifications whatsoever may be made to messymotherhood.com Material including to any of its images, graphics, designs, or recipes without written permission. Violations will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.