There’s something “off” again with my relationship with my oldest son.
It seems to happen every few months. He gets unruly and a bit nuts, and I turn into a moody, no-fun Mama.
I find myself saying “No! Stop it! Just go away!” instead of “come here, let’s play!”
I adore my son, I really do, but man can this child be annoying sometimes. He’s so LOUD, and boisterous. He feels the need to touch me all the time and during those moments when he’s literally hanging onto my legs, I just want to scream “Let Go of ME!”
Loud noises and lack of personal space are huge triggers for me, and lately I’ve felt like I’m in sensory overload multiple times during the day.
But why? Why are these behaviors bothering me now? He hasn’t really changed much…or has he.
He’s been screaming for my attention and I’ve been giving it to him, but just not in the positive, loving way that he’s used to.
So he screams and hangs on.
He’s asking for his Mama who plays. He misses his Mama who said yes. He’s yearning for his Mama who engulfs him in love.
Honestly, I miss her too….
Where has she gone?
The loving Mama retreats with lack sleep. The fun playful Mama gets lost in the ever growing to do list. The engaged and happy Mama disappears while running errands and doing chores.
As always, it’s me. It’s always me.
I want to blame his crazy behavior on him, but most of the time it’s me.
I’m not able to give him the love he’s used to because I’m stressed with all that I have to do.
My children become something I have to deal with, just one more thing on my list. And that’s not fair to them …or to me.
Every once in a while, every few months, I have to remind myself that it’s me. And that it’s up to me to change things around.
So, today I shall play! My to do list will stay away and I will reconnect with those that matter the most to me.
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