I got an email from someone earlier this week who was highly upset because I think it’s okay if parents yell at their kids.
This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten these emails, and hers was nice compared to others I’ve gotten.
I mean some are pissed. I’ve been called uneducated, an idiot, and even the B-word…ouch.
Most of these comments come from my favorite blog post, 5 Myths About Yelling At Kids
I was thinking about her email as I was reading For The Love by Jen Hatmaker
In her book, she mentions that her family is loud and Spicy and that they are not one of the Sweet families who are always kind and well mannered.
A lightbulb went off in my head. Of course! All those emails are probably from Sweet Families who can’t understand how families yell in the first place.
They think I’m condoning abuse when I’m actually letting parents know that their yelling may not be damaging, they just might be Spicy.
Spicy families are way more likely to yell at their kids, but that doesn’t mean that their family is broken or unhealthy or that their loudness and yelling is hurting their child.
Here’s why…
Some Families Yell More Than Others, And That’s Okay
Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned Therapist, and I’ve been following his work since I first learned about him in Grad School when I was getting my Masters in Counseling. His research is based on relationships and what makes them healthy or not.
He’s discovered that there’s a Magic Ratio between positive and negative interactions that all healthy relationships have. That ratio is 5 to 1.
So for every negative interaction, whether that be an eye roll or a screaming match, there must be 5 positive interactions to counteract that one negative.
It’s a ratio though. So some families may have upwards of 10 or more negative interactions a day, and is still a super healthy family. Those are the Spicy Families.
While other families have less than 5 negative interactions a day, the Sweet ones.
Spicy Families are more emotional overall. They yell more, but they show love more, they’re just more intense than their “sweet” counterparts.
Sweet Families don’t have near as many negative interactions, but they also don’t have as many positive ones.
It’s like a volume dial on a radio. Some families are amped up really loud, while others are really quiet. But as long as there’s still that 5 to 1 ratio in place, they are both healthy.
Sweet and Spicy Families Don’t Understand One Another
Sweet families look at spicy families and just don’t understand how they yell so much but still like each other. It doesn’t make any sense and it looks abusive.
Spicy families wonder if sweet families love each other at all, and can’t understand why they never get upset.
Just the other day, my husband and I were talking about our own families.
He turns to me and says, “You know, I still don’t really understand how your family works. You guys are just so loud and you yell at one another, it feels so stressful.”
He was born into a super sweet family, a family that I adore. But I struggle with his family because they don’t show any emotions. I don’t know how they are feeling, and that’s a bit unnerving to me.
After 11 years of marriage, we still aren’t always comfortable with each other’s family because I’m Spicy and he’s Sweet.
Spicy and Sweet families don’t “get” each other, so it’s easy to judge how the other works.
In Defense of the Spicy Family
There’s nothing at all wrong with either type of these families.
The problem is that it’s more socially acceptable to be a Sweet family.
Parents are told over and over again that we should stop yelling at our kids because it destroys relationships and can damage a child.
And the studies are right, name calling and tearing down a child while in a yelling rage can cause some harm, especially when this type of yelling happens a lot and without any repair work and apologies later.
It’s possible to be spicy and yell at your kids without being emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is complex and completely different than occasional yelling at a child. Shoot, it’s possible to be emotionally abusive without yelling at all. You can’t automatically put those two things in the same category.
Here’s the thing, most spicy parents aren’t being brutal and demeaning when they yell.
They yell out of frustration, feeling overwhelmed, or anxiety.
Spicy parents care a lot about their kids but they are more emotional overall than their sweet counterparts, so sometimes they yell.
The guilt that spicy parents carry around for yelling at their kids can be huge.
So, if you’re Spicy, let me assure you of this…
- As long as your relationship is in balance and there’s at least a 5 to 1 ratio of positive/negative interactions, more than likely, the relationship is healthy.
- An apology can go a long way to repairing a relationship after yelling. It’s important to tell your kids that you were angry and to apologize for raising your voice.
- The most important things for a relationship to thrive are LOVE and respect. Show your kids that you love them multiple times throughout your day. Learn their love language
and fill your child’s tank every day.
The great thing is that because you’re spicy, you show more emotions, including love. So, you’re probably already doing these things and showing your children plenty of love!
So Spicy Mom, shake off that Mom guilt for yelling and losing your cool.
You just love more, feel more, and yell more.
That’s who you are.
Now if you feel like your yelling is getting out of hand and that your relationship with your child is out of whack, check out my new Stop Yelling Email Challenge.
All you have to do is sign up and you’ll get 5 Daily Emails sent to your inbox for FREE that will help you take control of your anger and yelling.
These quick emails will give you insight into the real reasons behind why you’re yelling and give you some proven therapeutic techniques that will help you create a calmer home, even if you’re Spicy.
Thank you for this article it has given me a new perspective. Our family is on the spicy side and I have always felt guilty about that and tried very hard to be sweeter. I am the mom who when her kids were little and asking questions over and over my first thought was a sarcastic reply “Where are you going, Mom?” “To Hell if I don’t change my ways!” When they were small I would bite my tongue but now that they are older more of my sarcasm seeps out. I wish that I were sweeter but that just isn’t how I work and I am trying to accept that for myself and our family.
Thank you so much for this!! It has helped me to better understand my parenting style. I am a spicy momma trying to be sweet and all it is doing is causing me a lot if stress and anxiety
Thanks for your advice am trying to cool down and refresh than you..!
God bless your research
This is super insightful. I regularly mention in my own head and to others how our family is full of strong personalities (myself included). That makes us pretty darn spicy. Strangers have also commented or smiled at how affectionate we are. I need to focus on our 5 to 1 ratio but your post gives me more context for who we are. Thank you!
This is gorgeous. I tried really hard to be sweet for years and then one day i just lost it. I realized I was letting him get away with stuff, I was stuffing my emotions, I was carrying all the blame and guilt and whatever the behaviour was, wasn’t ok and nothing else was working. It was the greatest relief and sense of freedom and empowerment ever. And his behaviour has changed and our relationship is now really close and warm and we touch and hug and support each other constantly and tell each other we love eachother. I still shout a few times a week but it’s never below the belt, it’s never about him but about his behaviour, there’s no name-calling or tearing him down, it’s about the issue (eg getting off an online game) it’s over within 3 minutes and everyone moves on and loves each other. It’s weird but that’s us and it works for us and the more I accept it the more freedom we all seem to have. Oh, and we dropped piano and having daily battles about practice. That helped!! :p
I am so a Spicy mom . . . and my kids are spicy kids, too! We all yell a lot, but you’re right, we also make up for it in a million ways. We hug, we kiss, we tell each other we love them, and we have a lot of fun together. Very few people understand the weird dynamic in our family, because my kids are just as dark and sassy as I am, heh, but we like it and it works. I think we’re closer because of it.
OMG thank you soooo much for this! I just finished breaking down to my husband because I thought that I was a terrible mom for yelling out of frustration at my toddler when trying to tend to his 4 month-old brother. Your article speaks to me so much – I am DEFINITELY a Spicy Mom, with lots of love to share and show, even if I do lose my cool every now and again. That’s not to say I won’t work on not yelling as much, but I feel so much better regarding my parenting style.
Grateful to read this tonight after feeling terrible for nagging at my 5yt old son most of the day today: I think I could be a spicy mum as I can relate to the showing lots of effection. I guess that’s just how we roll. Shout more but love more too which is good as long as you have the balance right,
We are definitely a spicy family. We ‘get it all out’, and everyone knows where the game is at.
Our daughter-in-law came from a sweet family found ours refreshing. , rather than her family who call each other in hushed tones to complain about this person or that. When the kids were growing up, I never ever expected them to ‘like’ me. I expected them to respect me. I yelled at them, spanked them when they needed it, and went to classes where I was told it was my fault if I got angry. Bull! Its OK to get angry at your kids, and yell at them. It’s not your fault if they set the carpet in the toy room on fire! But hug them later and tell them you love them. They get it.
Wow! I have never heard it described like this! This is so true. My sister raises a sweet family and I’m always comparing myself to her, but now I can see that while I have always been more intense, I also offer love extravagantly and appreciate the small things so much. Thank you!!! Your emails and thoughts come at such good timing. I am a therapist taking some time off work to focus on myself and my parenting. I have always strived to be nonjudgmental of others but am not so of myself or my family
:(. Thank you for sharing your own messiness for the benefit of others!
Cannot tell you how helpful this was for me tonight. I went from heavy, laden with guilt, (after an extra spicy tirade) …to apologizing to my kids and getting the family to bed on a fresh note of forgiveness and kindness. Thank you so much for these compassionate and soothing words of wisdom. Game-changer!