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A Mother’s Grief

Grief should come after a loss. Yet halfway through my second pregnancy I was grieving our daughter Violet even as she turned and kicked in my belly.

The grief of losing a child is enormous.  Here's one Mother's Story about her daughter, Violet.

 

We like to think in life that we know the natural order of things.

Parents should die before their children. Grief should come after a loss.

Sorry, no. There is no organization in the chaos. And on that note, let me rewind…

In July 2011, we thought we were merely going to the ultrasound to find out whether we were having another girl or a boy this time. Instead we learned that our daughter had several severe abnormalities that all led the doctors to believe she may have a genetic abnormality. A week later it was confirmed that she was diagnosed with Trisomy 13. We were told to expect maybe minutes or hours with her if she was born alive at all.

In July 2011 our worlds stopped.
We stopped buying baby clothing and instead made funeral arrangements.
We stopped imaging our two girls growing up together and instead hoped they would have time to meet at all.
We stopped planning newborn photos and instead met with a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer.
But we never stopped loving Violet. And we never stopped hoping for time with her.She was born in November and lived exactly 2.5 brief and beautiful days. Time froze as we were with her, touching her soft skin and trying to memorize every detail.
violet, She's gone, infant death, genetic abnormalities
She stopped our world once again.
We stopped focusing about her last moments and instead enjoyed each and every one she shared with us.
We stopped sleeping and held her almost ever single moment of her life.
We stopped mourning momentarily and recorded and photographed precious moments even if they would never be enough.

And her heart stopped just as the doctors told us it would on a Friday night after the sun set and all the visitors had left.
We held her even still after she passed making footprints and cutting locks of her hair to keep forever.Leaving labor and delivery without a newborn in your arms is one of the most painful experiences I can imagine. So is picking up your daughter’s ashes at the funeral home.

She's gone, infant death, genetic abnormalitiesIt’s been four years since we learned of Violet’s diagnosis and waiting for her arrival. It’s been a lifetime and the blink of an eye.

We’ve stopped worrying about death because we’ve held it in our arms. I assure you it can be heartbreakingly beautiful.
We’ve stopped questioning every parenting decision we make as we now truly follow our hearts as we raise our other two children.
We’ve stopped listening to a culture that puts a deadline on our grief as we now know we will miss and love and speak of Violet forever.
Thank you for allowing us to share a piece of her with you as all parents want to share their much loved children with the world!

DevanyFor more from Devany LeDrew, please visit Still Playing School where she uses her background in early childhood to create a home based playful learning environment for her children. She is a former Kindergarten teacher who followed her passions to specialize in Educational Psychology & Literacy Education.  She is the mother of three, grieving the loss of one. Follow Still Playing School on Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook and Twitter.


This post is a part of a series of posts from Mothers who are sharing their personal stories of Motherhood.  Head over to these posts to read more great stories:
When Do We Become Mothers?
What Low-Income Parenting Really Looks Like

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by Amanda 15 Comments

Filed Under: Family & Motherhood Tagged With: Mama's Stories, Motherhood

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Bek @ Just For Daisy

    September 22, 2015 at 8:30 am

    Wow. I’m so so sorry for your loss. So glad you have those precious memories xxx

    Reply
    • Devany

      September 25, 2015 at 8:01 am

      Thank you so much for your kind words!

      Reply
  2. Sara Reimers

    September 23, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    Wow, I am grieving a little with you right now. Such beautiful thoughts about your daughter, and your loss. Thank you for being brave and writing this.

    Reply
  3. Stacey @ the Soccer Mom Blog

    September 23, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    This was beautiful, thank you for sharing. I have experienced pregnancy loss, but I can’t imagine your grief– you carry it so gracefully. Wishing you continued healing xx

    Reply
  4. Karen Patten

    September 24, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Your story is absolutely gut wrenching. Thank you for your bravery in sharing it – it will help other families to know they are not alone in their grief.

    Reply
    • Devany

      September 25, 2015 at 8:01 am

      Thanks, Karen! I do love sharing her with the world!

      Reply
  5. Melissa Taylor

    September 24, 2015 at 3:13 pm

    Wow, I’m so sad for your loss. I’m sorry.

    Reply
  6. Chelsea

    September 25, 2015 at 12:41 am

    It is so important these stories are told, thank you for sharing your heart and your beautiful daughter with the world. Sending you and your entire family lots of love. xx

    Reply
    • instagram login

      October 17, 2016 at 10:28 pm

      Thanks for providing it.

      Reply
  7. TyraMama

    September 26, 2015 at 8:25 pm

    My heart just crumpled a little more. I’m so devestatingly sorry for your life and loss of sweet Violet . Biggest healing hugs to you mama.

    Reply
  8. Claire

    September 27, 2015 at 8:33 am

    Our son had Trisomy 18, he died before he was born and the midwife told me not to look. I wish I hadn’t listened. I wish I had cradled his small imperfectly formed body in the palm of my hand. I wish I knew what he had looked like and felt him, featherlight in my hands. I am sorry for your loss, ten years on I still feel mine xx

    Reply
  9. Lisa @ This Pilgrim Life

    September 29, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    Devany, I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter Violet is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. This summer we were also surprised at our 20 week ultrasound that there might be genetic concerns with our son. After several long ultrasounds, we were left with an understanding that there were a few potential physical issues, but nothing life-threatening. Then, at 22 weeks, when we returned for a follow-up ultrasound, we were shocked to find out that his heart had stopped beating. I delivered him early the next morning and my husband and I both had time to hold him and weep over not knowing him longer. The pain is still very fresh and I miss him everyday. It is so hard to go from eager expectation to what will no longer be. Thank you for sharing that there is no timeline for grief. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that our son will always be missed and a part of our family.

    Reply
  10. Cassie

    October 7, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    This is so heartbreaking, but so beautiful. I’m amazed by your strength through the nine months and especially those two days.

    Reply
  11. Kathleen

    May 6, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story about your precious daughter Violet. My good friend is walking this same road. She and her husband found out that their baby has Potters Syndrome when they went for the ultrasound to find out the sex. The baby isn’t expected to live more than a couple hours at most. Her biggest prayer is that she and her husband get time with the baby before he or she passes. I will share your journey with her- I think it helps to know you are not alone.

    Reply
  12. Danica

    May 9, 2016 at 1:34 am

    I actually had the opposite happen. We lost our son and now I fear my children dying so much more. Now I know the pain and how it really can happen, I fear it more.

    Reply

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