How do I get my child to be better behaved?
That’s always the question. The one that every parent wants to know.
We give discipline, punishment, sticker charts. We tell them “no”, and we do everything in all those parenting books, but our kids still don’t behave the right way.
Often times we forget the most important part of raising our kids.
We forget to…
Praise What You Want to Raise
Take a minute and think.
When’s the last time you told your child that their behavior was good? When did you tell them that you appreciated their help or the way they handled something?
When was the last time you noticed the good that they do?
Often times, we focus on the bad, the behaviors that we don’t want to see and fail to point out the good. We keep our eyes out for the times they misbehave and ignore the times that they do great things!
Noticing the good can be so important though, I’d say it’s even more important than disciplining the bad.
Here’s why…
1. Children live up to the expectations that are set for them.
Children are like little mirrors. What you say about them gets reflected right back to them and becomes how they see themselves.
When we focus on the good, our kids will start to take ownership of the good things they do and it will become part of how they see themselves.
A child that is told “thank you so much for helping me, I really appreciate that” will start looking for ways to help more, because he’s a “good at helping”.
2. Children Want To Please Their Parents.
Children innately want to please their parents and caregivers. So when we tell them that we like what they do, then they will start doing those things more. It’s that simple.
Children who are constantly told what they are doing wrong can easily feel defeated and start acting as though nothing they do is right, so why even try?
Over time they just stop trying to do good, because they think it’s not going to be seen or matter to anyone anyway. This is a condition called learned helplessness.
3. It Builds A Strong Connection Between Parent and Child
Anytime a parent focuses on the good, it contributes to the child’s attachment tank and helps that child feel loved and worthy.
When a child feels loved and worthy, they want to do more good things.
And we all want that, right?
A few tips on praising
1. Praise the behavior, not the child.
Focus on the specific behavior you like to see in your child. “I like how you shared your snack with your friends” vs. “you’re such a good boy”.
This lets the child know of the specific behavior that you liked, and they are likely to do that behavior again.
2. Take the time to make sure that they are listening to you.
Don’t just flippantly tell them thank you, take the time to get their attention and tell them that what they did was awesome.
This helps build that relationship and lets your child know that you really mean what you are saying to them.
Often times, I follow it up with a hug.
3. If you struggle with remembering to praise, get a visual reminder
Get some rubber bands or stackable rings to help you remember to notice the good that your child does. These posts explain how those can come in handy. Seriously, it’s brilliant!
The Rubberband Technique
Stackable Rings
Remember it’s all about praising what you want to raise!
More For You
I’ve been using the rubber bands after a post you shared last week – even though I haven’t been moving them from one arm to the other (who has time for that?!) they have totally reminded me to notice those good things!! I love the reactions from my kids! We ALL totally need more of this praise! Thank you for the great post!
Haha! Who does have time for that!? I’m glad that they can be good visual reminders for you and that they are helping you connect with your kids. Thanks for the sweet comment 🙂
Hi Amanda,
Thanks for your site. I work in the child care industry and find your website very helpful to give to parents for their own information and often print off your helpful and excellent hints to give to them. You put it all in plain language for all to understand.
I hope you remind yourself that you are great at what you do!! You need praise just as much as the rest of us!!
Oh thank you Lyn! Comments like yours keep me going. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave me a comment 🙂
I’m a mom of a 5 and 7 yr old boy and if I ever had time to blog or create a website it would be called ‘boys are gross’ so when I came across “Dirt & Boogers” it spoke right to me! Thank you for taking the time to help other mothers and to make sure feel like it’s ok to not be the perfect mom no matter how hard we try. I love this article because I have been needing to talk to my husband about how he speaks to the boys and how his yelling at them is just making them act up more and how he needs to try a different angle with them. I’m going to have him read this. If I just tell him about it, it’s ‘nagging’ but coming from someone else it’s good advice 🙂 Have a wonderful day!
🙂 Got to love our dirty and gross boys! Thanks for the awesome comment. I hope the post helps 🙂
It seems that praising is easily forgotten. It’s much easier to tell a child to stop doing something wrong versus praising them for doing good. I really enjoyed this article. The more we can praise a child for specific things it seems the more they do want to do good. Just like you said, they like to please parent! Great article. Thank you for posting!
Thank you! It’s a simple thing that can make a huge difference, but you’re right, it is so much easier to focus on what the child is doing wrong instead of what they are doing right.
You put into laser specific words why the “Rubber Band Method of Child Discipline” works so well with kids! I’m not a trained psychologist but knew from experience, and wearing rubber bands, that my son loved being “caught doing something good”. When I praised him for those specific actions he worked hard to do them again, which prompted me to praise him specifically again, rinse and repeat. I was no longer “Yelling and Mad Mommy” but “Caring and Kind Mommy”. That also strengthened a love connection between us. Again, thank you for adding to the discussion of Positive Parenting.
This is so true! It’s easy to get caught up in all the things we see that should be changed and to forget all the good things our kids do. Thanks for the reminder!
I have to say this is something my husband and I really focus on. When I was young, my mum couldn’t wait for my dad to get home to tell him all the things we did wrong that day. This ended up with me resenting my dad and dreading his arrival.
We do the opposite, I tell my husband all the lovely things our son did that day, i.e. was kind to his brother, was really well behaved while we were shopping.
I also say nice things about my son in earshot, but pretending I don’t know he’s there.
Any negative things or issues I need to talk to daddy about, are discussed when the little one has gone to bed. I know how awful it is hearing your parents bad mouthing you.