4 weeks down! It’s been a full month since I yelled at my kids…and it feels so good!
In this month, I’ve learned a lot about yelling. I’m getting a better understanding about why parents yell, the different levels of yelling, and most importantly how to stop yelling when we’re angry.
The most beneficial thing I’ve kept with me is that…
I can not control my children’s behavior. I can only control how I REACT to it.
My reactions are the piece that matters. Children are not going to be perfect all the time. As parents, we are going to be angry and disappointed at their behaviors now and again. They are learning and they will make mistakes. How we react to those mistakes is where the real teaching begins.
So, when I get angry, what are my children learning from me?
Do I want them to learn to yell at others when they get angry?
No.
Do I want them to learn that yelling is an appropriate way to get what they want?
No.
I must be a better example. I must show them how to handle the anger that they will feel.
To help myself, and the other parents in the Stop Yelling Group, I’ve made a Stop Yelling Handbook part of my Stop Yelling Toolbox. With these tips, we’ve been working on calming ourselves or redirecting our anger in other, more appropriate ways.
It’s not a toolbox of parenting techniques to change our children so that we won’t have to yell. That’s something totally different. It’s a toolbox of techniques to keep from yelling at them when we do get angry.
I put them in a slide show for you. Just scroll through left or right using the little arrows. Or you can purchase a PDF copy of the Stop Yelling Handbook to keep.
So tell me, are there any that you want to try? Am I missing one that you already do that works? Any other pointers?
I love this! What a wonderful toolbox!
Thanks Dayna! I hope it helps.
THe absolute best thing I’ve found for yelling… Always deal with my child immediately when they start to misbehave. If I wait, then I start to get angry and that’s when the tendency to yell takes place. If my children are by my side, and I’m interacting with them as the day goes on, then I can quickly nip things in the bug before they become a major (yelling inducing) issue.
I made a goal to stop yelling at my kids this year too (and wrote about it back in January). But, this last week I was horrible!! Seriously! Patience gone. I think because I was starting a new habit (waking up early, going to bed early) my game was off. I love your slides and I know that those things definitely help! I will be pinning this for my future reference for sure.
Love this list. Here’s a teacher trick I learned over the years… Focus on relaxing your face . Particularly unclenching your jaw. When we get mad,we clench our teeth, usually hard. If you’re focusing on not doing this, you’re not yelling! It takee training but workslds as well at home as it did for me in the classroom.
Here are a couple of things that I use as a teacher:
* Would I want someone else to talk to my child in that way?
* Think about what’s really going on with you (sometimes we’re just having a stressful day and take it out on those we love most)
* Am I hungry? I guess I’m just like a kid. when I get hungry, I get cranky too.
* Would I want someone to talk to ME in that way?
It’s such a slow process changing old habits I find actually apologizing to the children when there is an accidental outburst has helped me I say I’m sorry I shouldn’t have raised my voice like that it’s not an appropriate way to speak to people. Showing the kids it’s unacceptable also showing u make mistakes too and you apologize when you do I’m not superhuman but I know I hardly ever have to apologize now and the kids hardly ever tell me no shouting. My crazy lady voice is under control.
Lie down if u feel anger. Lie down and do nothing else. The anger disappears and the atmosphere in the room changes completely. Your kids will certainly be curious and come over to investigate. Try it.
Oh my god funny you should say that Tom. In the Islamic tradition anger is thought to be calmed by trying these: if standing to sit, if sitting to lie down and if all else fails use water to wash your face etc.. (its the ritual washing before prayer), because anger is considered to be like fire to be extinguished with water.
Yes, I’m absolutely in tune with the need to reduce the stress and anger which makes me yell in anger. I’ve used most of these techniques successfully. I also need help with how to deal with the kids’ behavior when nothing else has worked. For example, you’ve given 5 requests/warnings and you are still being ignored or child laughs in your face when you try to discipline him calmly and respectfully. Or what about something as simple as I’m in the kitchen fixing dinner and am refereeing bad behavior in the adjoining family room while pulling something hot out of the oven? (Whispering or lying down won’t work.) How do I get their attention if I can’t be at their side at that moment? Thanks in advance for the tips, everyone!
It is VERY difficult to change a behavior, both in yourself, and then in your kid. You say you are doing a pretty good job managing your own emotions. Good! But wouldn’t it be great if you figured out some strategies so you wouldn’t even HAVE to manage your anger, so that your kids were just generally more cooperative?
I recently wrote a blogpost about changing kids’ explosive behavior. It’s here: http://youcanraisegreatkids.com/behavior-breakthrough-process-2/. It’s mostly for predictable behavior that you want to stop.
When it comes to repeating yourself, here is the process to stop THAT:
– Resolve that you will only say it once. Period.
– If your child ignores you, go stand quietly in front of him/her. Wait for him to look at you.
– Ask, What did I just say/ask you to do? They must repeat it. Then stand there watching until they actually do it.
– Do NOT react if they start to mouth off. Just wait until they do it.
– Positively praise them for following through, at whatever level they manage to complete it.
– Repeat. You’ll find that you end up never repeating yourself, once they realize that you are not going to do that any more!
Let me know how it works for you!
One more thing. Giving a warning – or two – is helpful when you expect kids of any age to transition. Such as, “We need to turn off the computer and come to dinner in 5 minues” followed by “It’s time to turn off the computer and come to dinner in 2 minutes” or whatever timing is age-appropriate for your child/teen/husband (oops? Did I really write that??? 🙂 )
It is very important not to start yelling in the first place when you feel like doing it. Once I start yelling it is unstoppable and repetitive, it only gets worse and worse, louder and louder. I have been encouraging myself not to start yelling at all these days and it really works, trying to prevent exhaustion and hunger, saving my energy for late evenings when I am most prone to yelling.
thank you, I am going thru a tough time right now and I needed this! I specially love “the angry hug” and I can see myself be able to do this and I hope it works! 🙂
Oh yes, the Angry Hug is my favorite one 🙂 Good luck on your journey!
Thank you for your help! Is always nice to know that you are not alone. You can change your own behavior not you kids.
I AM On My Cell Phone And Cannot Read The Toolbox Can you Email It To me
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR REALLY USEFUL TIPS!
These are great tips. Honestly no one wants to yell sor get angry. It stresses you out ha. We have too much to do. I can say I have to live a balanced life. Time for me is a must to be a great mom and time with hubby and friends.
Man, this article really hits home. I have a bit of an anger problem myself, so learning not to yell is like…something that’s important to me. I hope one day to be cool as a cucumber.
Take a deep breath and count to three as my daddy taught me! 😛
Love! 🙂 We sing that a lot around here.
What a brilliant list! I never thought I would be a yeller, but I have lost my temper quite a few times with my two year old and felt terrible about it! Thank you for these. My favourites are pretend you’re on camera, star chart for mummy and the angry hug.
Thank you! The camera is probably my favorite too…that and the angry hug 🙂
I have found I am much less of a yelled when I am well rested. If I take care of myself, I can better care for my kids.
Thank you so much for the toolbox. I can’t wait to start using it.
You raise some really good points here. I agree – it is important to remind ourselves – What are we teaching our children by our reaction? So hard to remember in the moment – but so crucial. Thanks for a good post.
Great tips. Most of my yelling happens when we are trying to get out the door on time or get ready for bed. I feel stressed out when I think we are going to be late. So I have to remember “it’s not an emergency” and life will go on if we are a few minutes late. Thanks for your tips!!
This was great! The best advice I have found
Do you recommend or have anything about how to react when your child is disrespectful , strong willed and about screen time
So true An so helpful… I too yell a lot at my kids??