I’m sitting here at my computer, feeling a bit dumbfounded. As I read the words on my screen, chills run up my back, and goosebumps start prickling up my arm.
I can not believe the words I’m reading about me, about my life.
Anger starts to creep in.
As a blogger, I’m used to some negative comments and internet “trolls”. It’s part of the job.
Most of the time, I don’t mind the backlash. It makes me stronger, it helps me get a better understanding about my own misconceptions or how I present information.
I try to look past the hurtful words and see how I could improve.
But this morning, I’m struggling with the what’s being said.
Even though no one is calling me names, or being overly negative about things, my words have been skewed. My life situation has been negated by others.
I am being told that the hard parts of my life aren’t worth talking about.
My “hard” isn’t “hard enough”.
It all started with my post The Art of Solo Parenting: Thriving While Your Spouse is Away.
In it, I share how I have struggled since my husband has been gone, and give some tips for other parents have to “solo parent” while their spouse is away.
Here is just some of the feedback I received:
“For those of us who are truly, 100% solo-single-on-our-own parenting, this is upsetting to read.”
“This is so whiny and insulting to moms who actually do it all.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me right!?!? I’m a single mother. I’M A SOLO PARENT!! Everyday of the year. Your spouse being away is not you being a solo parent.”
“I’m sorry, I’m going to vent. There are plenty of mothers “solo parenting” every day who have to hold down a full time job while doing so. Her husband may be physically away, but she gets to be a SAHM in his absence and not bear the financial burden of single parenting as well!”
These are the nice ones. I refuse to share and give power to the really mean ones.
Not once in my post did I share how much worse I have it than single parents. Not once did I even mention single parents. All I did was share my life experiences with having a husband who is gone for an extended period of time, and how I cope.
What really bothers me is that I’m being told that my situation isn’t bad, and that I should shut up because others have it worse.
This situation reminds me of a TED talk I heard last year from Ash Beckham called “We’re All Hiding Something, Let’s Find The Courage to Open Up”. In it, she says these words:
“Hard is not relative. Hard is hard. Who can tell me that explaining to someone you’ve just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them? Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your five-year-old you’re getting a divorce? There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else’s hard to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.“
That.
That is how I feel about the feedback I got from that post.
We need to just understand that hard is just hard and that we are all trying our best to cope.
All over the place people are constantly trying to “one up” each other. People almost seem to enjoy negating other’s feelings and life situations by telling them to “shut up” and “quit complaining” because they have it harder.
Who are we to say what’s hard enough to talk about? Where is the judge that says “yep, that’s bad enough that it can be talked about”? Who gets to decide what’s hard?
When someone steps out and talks about their hard battle, they should not be ridiculed for not having it “hard enough”. And, most importantly, their hard time does not negate the battles that others are fighting.
I share my story to help connect people together, to help people who are going through similar situations, not to make people who have it harder feel bad.
My story does not negate your story.
My story is my story, and yours is yours. Let’s embrace them and support one another, instead of comparing who has it harder.
We all have a different story.
We all have different life experiences.
And, we all fight hard battles.
I urge you to think and do these two things.
1. Stop negating other’s battles. We are all struggling with something. Approach others with kindness and love and stop making people feel less than because you have it harder.
You might be able to see the great things in someone’s life who is struggling. You can see that woman living in the big house you can’t afford and can’t understand why she’s complaining. You can see that I do have a husband and should be grateful even when he’s gone for months at a time.
Instead of telling her to be “grateful” or to “be quiet, it’s not that bad”, recognize that she’s struggling.
We all have different battles, but we are all fighting.
Remember that you too have struggled and have had to do hard things. Remember those feelings. Look at her as a person who needs support during her struggle, no matter how big or small her battle is.
Approach with kindness. Approach with love.
Instead of ridiculing, say “I’m sorry that you are having a hard time.”
Look past what she has, and see the person.
2. Share your hard. Share your battles. Don’t hide in your closet, afraid to tell your truth. Like Ash says in her talk:
“At some point in our lives, we all live in closets, and they may feel safe, or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door. But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of, a closet is no place for a person to live.”
Come out and share your story. I guarantee you’ll get someone who’ll say “me too”, and that is where healing and acceptance begins.
I always look for ways to improve when I get negative comments on my writing, but the only thing that would make the people commenting on my post happy is if I just shut up. And, I will not shut up. I will not be quiet because in the middle of all that negativity on my post, there was acceptance. There were people writing comments like this.
“How I needed to read this tonight of all nights! What an amazing blog post to pop up in my FB feed – I swear I read this with my mouth open wide in shock. What you wrote in this post describes my day-to-day life while my hubs is out of the country. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone and the hardships and down times I experience are also shared by other fellow Mammas out there who get it.”
I will not be quiet because there are parents out there going through similar situations, and also being told to be quiet and thankful for what they have. Those are the people I’m writing for.
That’s not true. I write for everyone. I write not only for those who “get it” but also for those that don’t. I hope that my words help people understand a different story, so that maybe they’ll approach someone they know who’s going through that situation with a bit more understanding and compassion.
So NO, I will not stop writing my story because it’s not hard enough. I will not be quiet because others have it worse.
I will not be silenced out of fear of hurting others who are hurting more. I will love and support them, just like I hope they will love and support me.
Life is hard my friends, let’s not make it harder on each other.
Share your story, love your story, it’s okay if you don’t think your hard isn’t hard enough. Tell it anyway.
Your story matters. YOU matter.
“Share your hard” is the best advice ever. Owning our own rather than slamming someone else for having a different situation is far more healthy. “I” rather than “you”. “I envy your situation. I have to deal with this all year round. I feel.. ” rather than “You are so lucky, you don’t even understand me, you don’t know.. etc”
Yes, yes! The “I” vs “you”, very good piece of advice.
What an empowering post. No one can compare an apple to an orange, and not everyone has the same amount of resiliency, but when someone cannot see that it’s discouraging. Thank you for speaking up… for continuing to speak up so that others may hear you.
Thank you!
I recently (January) wrote a piece called, “Stop Calling Yourself a Married Single Parent” in which I described some of the ways that single parenting is unique and different than what you experienced. I sometimes regret not adding “Please” in front of that, but I stand behind the sentiments.
I validated that lonely parenting is hard – and expressed that I wasn’t trying to “one up” anyone or make my situation seem hard or negative — but what I was trying to say is that by co-opting the term “single parenting,” it can make a single parent feel unseen – like no one understands how their struggles are so pervasive or different. “Solo parenting” doesn’t have the same meaning for me – I appreciate that it was probably chosen to distinguish it from single parenting and not diminish the experience of single parenting in the way that other “married single parent” articles can. If someone co-opts a term, I do consider it insensitive but I don’t think that’s what you did here.
I find the comparisons exhausting. I just read another blog’s comments where the author was made fun of for thinking that two kids was hard — this seems to be a common one, now. You’re more of a parent if you have more kids.
It all comes down to empathy. It’s hard to have it when you feel unseen, when you’re desperate for empathy yourself. “Why should I care about your struggles when no one cares about mine?!” It takes a big, mature person to overcome their own need to divulge, and just be there and empathize with another person without needing to “put them in their place.”
I guess that’s the thing. I was raised by a single mother and even though I haven’t done it, I have seen how hard it is. I would never purposely discount single parenting. But I should be allowed to tell my story without others feeling like I’m negating theirs. Single parenting is hard, solo parenting is hard, heck PARENTING is hard. We should be able to talk about it.
You are so right about the empathy though. It’s hard to give empathy and support when you yourself don’t feel supported. I can see why people would be bent out of shape when they don’t feel like anyone cares about their situation and they see someone complain. Thanks for the perspective.
I LOVE this post! I have thought a lot about this since my youngest daughter was born. I hesitate to tell others what I’m going through with her developmental delay and other issues because there are so many people that have it “worse”. But what I can handle is not the same as others.
Yes, very true. I want people to stand up and speak their truth, so badly. It’s so healing to be able to talk about things. Someone will always have it harder than you, but that should not in any way discount what you are going through. I really, really wish the judgement would stop, so that people would be able to talk about things instead of stuffing in their feelings and hurt.
Kim I too don’t talk about my childs developmental delays because of the other people have it harder aspect. :-/
I just had someone share this piece of wisdom with me and it reminded me of your comment, so I thought I’d share.
“Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse is just like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else may have it better.”
This helped me put it in perspective a bit more.
I love this post. I have a sister who always try to point out my hard isnt hard enough, l should be happier than her, l almost have nothing to sweat for etc. Even l was believing it. This post kind of gave me permission to accept my struggle.
Yuck. I’m so glad that this post gave you permission. Jennifer’s comment above reminded me that people who do this are often feeling pretty unsupported and negative about their own lives too. Maybe that’s true for your sister too? Either way, you deserve to be able to talk about your hard. “Hard is just hard”.
I certainly appreciate your “teaching” response to the ones who were “tearing down” your feelings. I have been on both sides of the fence, a single mom and a SAHM whose husband has been gone for an extended period. BOTH are challenging in their own ways. And HARD is HARD. We should not compare who has it worse or think they don’t have it hard enough to complain. We should build up one another, not tear down…be a blessing and encouragement, not attempt to burden and break another’s spirit. GREAT POST!! I appreciate your spirit of encouragement and love.
Thank you Shannon. “Hard is Hard!” That might be one of my new favorite phases.
There seems to be a common attitude among my “mummy/professional” blogs, is that life is not all roses and sunshine and to portray that on the blog is not “real life”, and these women…mothers…professionals have decided to add the bad and ugly to the good on their blogs. Whether you want to use the terms transparency or accountability, it is real life. Maybe the bigger problem is that your naysayers are either A) looking for a way to escape their life or B) will complain about everything. We all don’t know what’s it like to deal with depression, or a child with special abilities, or a husband either away from often or not in our life at all, but we come to the net for that sense of community. Keep Smiling everyone!!!!
Yep, I think you’re exactly right about the naysayers. Thank you so much for your supportive words.
AMEN!! We have become a society that no longer listens to another speak for the purpose of “hearing” the other but instead to pretend to listen while we search our brains with a story of our own to “one up” that other person, or waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can kvetch our own experiences. Listen to truly listen. Read to digest.
We are all so defensive and RUDE these days. If I read one more Yahoo Parenting article titled with a defensive/offensive title I will just scream. Why we all gotta be so angry?
I love your words “Listen to truly listen. Read to digest.” That, my friend, is what it’s all about. Thank you!
I’m sorry you actually had to write this post! Don’t get me wrong, I love it and you handled the criticism BEAUTIFULLY! But wow, people are really coming at you because you have a different situation then them, so your life MUST be better, right? Wrong. Hard is hard, like you said. My difficulties are not going to align with everyone else’s in the world. If I read something I can’t relate to, I just move on. Getting insulted because someone should be grateful to have a husband some of the time while you are single 100% of the time….petty. I’ve never experienced being a single parent and I don’t discount their difficulties, but putting someone down for not being ecstatic with their own very different situation is not going to make being a single parent any easier. If anything, it would probably make you more bitter and angry!
I am a mom who works but am lucky that I have family who cares for my daughter during the day. Even in that little anecdote, I have had people try to “one up” me with how hard their variation is. There is this one quote, I have learned since becoming a parent, and use it to remind myself when I want to throat punch someone for getting under my skin by attempting to “out do” me with being more natural, having a kid who actually slept all night in the first two years, etc…
“Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.”
― Bill Nye
Meaning they know something I don’t know and I DEFINITELY know something they don’t know… hahaha! Loved this post and shared it with my two besties, all three of us are working moms. One is a pediatric specialist who has a crazy schedule whose husband is a sheriff working nights on the weekends. They have three boys under the age of six! My other BFF has a husband who is often gone 1-2 weeks at a time overseas for work. We can all relate to being on our own as mommy bears, and trying to balance that with work, home and well, bedtime routines that prove to be brutal!
p.s. I wouldn’t actually ever throat punch or hurt even a fly… I don’t condone violence!
Hahaha! I didn’t actually think you would, but I understand the feeling!
Wow!!! I love your original post, I thought you were very positive about a hard situation. M husband left for and extended period this afternoon, as I was putting my kids to bed, my oldest said, “I want to not feel sad and missing Dad.” But as I told him, you can have both sad/missing and happiness for the fun we had together. You can feel bad for someone else’s hard and still have your own hard be hard. You can also choose to be grateful about your blessing, while you are in the midst of hard. If you can breathe in and out, be grateful while still going through hard. What I got out of your post was that you made the choice to focus on the good, while in the hard. It seems as if some of your readers, just chose to focus on the bad in their own lives and want to steal your grateful as well. No mater how hard your hard is, you can make it worse, by focusing on the bad, or you can inch closer to overcoming the hard by being grateful for anything, while allowing the hard to still be there.
I’m so glad you wrote this! I recently started my own blog about being a new mom and struggle with content because I worry that someone might do to me what was done to you. Thank you for being the voice of reason and reminding me that my story is mine alone and is “hard” in its own right.
My husband left work the other day because he was having a complete breakdown. His PTSD has gotten to the point where he can’t handle being at work anymore. He’s been the primary wage earner our whole married life. We have two kids. I now have the responsibility of getting my work at home business off the ground before our savings run out. This is hard. We have a friend who’s 3 year old needs open heart surgery. For the second time. That is hard.
Hard is hard. We all have hard. Thank you for sharing yours and for making it okay for me to share mine.
I’m very sorry they said those harsh things to you!!! We all have hard, but in different forms. I so appreciate everything you write, and when you let it out, I feel for me it helps. Please continue doing what you are doing!!! You are helping others!!
Thank you for this. I am the guilty party when it comes to criticizing my sister-in-law. Neither of us are single or solo parents, but we have very different lives. This really convicted me as a reminder that everyone is capable of handling different levels of stress, and maybe I should offer to help her instead of wondering “what’s wrong with her”.
I just want to say thank you for this. I’ve dealt with this attitude MY WHOLE LIFE. My father was a compulsive gambler all of my childhood. As an adult when I’ve told people how my family and I struggled with this, I’ve heard a lot of “well at least he wasn’t a drug addict.” When I was diagnosed as a diabetic a few years ago even close friends said things like “well at least it’s not cancer”. And from March to May of this year my children and I only saw my husband about 4 times as he was working a new job 3 hours away. And it was hard. On all of us. I agree that my hard isn’t going to be the same as your hard or my neighbor’s hard, but we do in fact all have hard in our lives and we should be supporting eachother! So thank you again!!
Girl, that’s HARD! I totally agree, we should be supporting one another, not saying to be grateful that life isn’t worse. It’s hard, let’s just admit that it’s hard, and that’s okay.
LOVE this Article! Sometimes I have to stop take a step back while ppl complain about “how hard life is” and think. As I want to lay out my life battles and say “deal with that” Sometimes ppl arent as strong and need that support at different times. As for “flying solo parenting” as a Military spouse many times months upon months flying solo. YES bravo single parents BRAVO. I love to vent to other military mothers cause they understand. Not only are we swimming to the shore on day to day. We are away from our families. AND we deal with the day to day “where is Dad” and sometimes yuo just cant say or even begin to explain where Daddy is and what he is doing. ON TOP of the worry! Is he okay? When will I hear from him? Is he okay? If he was here would we handle this situation like this together? on top of yard work, PTA, House cleaning, emotional breakdowns in the bathroom, yard work, and the list goes on! Life is hard! Sometimes saying it helps us deal with it and its okay! I agree Lets embrace everyone has their own battles and support each other. Maybe the world would be a little brighter with more support and less ugly hearts! Thank you! I enjoy everything you write its so spot on to my Day to day! THANK YOU!
Hi! Love love your blog on solo parenting! My husband will be deploying for the 6 th time soon and I’m mentally preparing myself. Sometimes I get jealous too when he’s doing and seeing things around the country/world that I’ll never get to do, but I do have to remind myself he misses us and is WORKING and he’d rather be with me. So glad I’m not the only one! We military wives rock! Hugs
Hang in there Natalie, you can do this and you can THRIVE!! The fact that my husband gets to travel the world without me kind of burns sometimes, so I totally get it. I always have to remind myself that he’s working and missing so much. It’s tough though!
I have a hard. I’m a SAHM. My husband works about 60 hours a week. He’s home, and gets time with the kids, but those 60 hours can still be overwhelming.
I was searching for something else when this post turned up in my results. I am not even a mother, but your post is exactly on point and is applicable across all walks of life. I’ve had these words said to me, and they stung, made me angry. I thought, my struggles are mine. Yours do not negate mine. It’s not a competition. You don’t have the right to judge me for my journey of experiences. I wanted to tell you thank you for saying it out loud…. Your story matters. ✌??
Thank you for validating my feelings of hurt. I wasnt even able to put them into words until I read your post. It was empowering, enlightening and inspiring. I now understand why I was feeling what I was feeling, and it’s okay. I’m a mother. I have had a difficult fifth pregnancy but I was made to feel like it couldn’t be that hard because my hyperemesis only lasted three months and not the whole nine months. My baby is a fussy and difficult baby. I find it challenging to care for him as well as my other little children. However, I’m constantly made to feel like he’s not that difficult. I’ve had friends say their baby cried more etc etc. But that was their hard, my hard is just as hard (probably mostly because of the four older ones). And the last one might even be a valid one. Because I’ve had five natural uncomplicated births, people think their births were harder since complications arose. That’s probably a valid one. I got lucky with short (but intense) labours. However, natural childbirth without pain relief is not a joke. People want to go for epidurals but then don’t like it when it raises the chances of complications. My hard was also hard, even if without complications. Their hard was also hard, despite the epidurals. Thank you so much for writing this post and allowing me to word my unhappiness!!! I now have closure and can move forward without allowing it to poison my friendship.