As you may know, I’m a big fan of mantras and positive statements. I use them everyday and keep the words close to me to remind me of what’s really important.
Statements like “You got this”, “I am enough”, and “Just breathe” keep me going day to day.
Most of my mantras are geared towards my emotions and finding the will power to keep going.
But, I do have one mantra that I use every single day for my kids…
Teach, just teach
Children enter this world knowing nothing. As newborns, they work off of pure instincts and reflexes.
They don’t know all the life lessons that we know. They don’t have the coping skills that we have. As children grow, they learn new things every day. But sometimes it’s easy to forget that they don’t always have the tools they need to handle a situation.
Every day I come across something that I really want to discipline my children for. But I have to consciously remind myself that it’s my job to teach them.
For example…
My 4 year old was having a really difficult time with his younger brother. In true toddler fashion, his brother was destroying everything that my 4 year old was playing with.
My son was retaliating by screaming at him and pushing him over.
Instead of punishing my older son. I took him aside and we problem solved. We talked about what he can do in the future, ways that he can play without disruptions from his brother, and how to cope when brother does mess up his play.
I had to remind myself that he’s 4, and that he doesn’t have the coping skills or tools to handle this situation. It was up to me to teach those things to him.
Sending him to time out or taking away his toys does not teach him anything than to be resentful of his brother for messing up his things. Plus, this won’t get any better, unless I teach him how to handle it. He needed tools not time out.
I am his first TEACHER, it is my job to teach…to guide…to show the way.
I want to also make this clear. I do use consequences, if needed. Sometimes a consequence is my first step, but sometimes teaching has to come first. It all depends on the situation.
Great advice. I find the pushing, pinching and scratching each other to be the toughest misbehaviour of my girls. Unfortunately, they are now 6 and 9 and we STILL struggle with it!!!!
That exact same scenario plays out at my house EVERY day with my two girls (4 and 2). It seems like I need to be more specific in problem solving with her and reminding her to practice those (one or two) techniques because it just keeps happening. I have a hard time getting her to focus on having a conversation about it when she wants to get back to playing. It seems like she feels the conversation IS a punishment. Do you have any suggestions?
When talking to your daughter, make sure you lead with positive or connecting statements like “oh man, it’s so hard when your sister takes your toys. What do you think you should do about that?”. Your bringing her into the conversation, and she’ll want to talk to you when she feels like you understand. Also, I highly suggest the book “Siblings Without Rivalry” to any parent who is struggling with sibling problems. It’s awesome..and a super easy read.
Great idea.
My youngest gets so angry when things don’t go his way and or we don’t do what he wants. He also will speak to me as if he’s an adult. I’m learning to watch what I say around him because I feel he may be copying my behavior and words
Great suggestions. It really is so important to help our children when they misbehaviour rather than make them feel worse or isolating them to learn for themselves. I try not to overtly teach my children too much as I like watching them figure things out for themselves but I definitely like the idea of giving them time to reflect on the struggle and helping nth em come up with alternatives.
Thank you for posting
Truly amazing advice, thank you… Really needed this.
This is so great, thank you! I expect a lot from my almost 5 year old because she’s mature and smart and the oldest but she’s still ONLY almost 5. I needed this reminder.
the discipline role is mostly conflicted by the parsnts and what each consider bad behqviour. eAch can be horrified. tough call
this is what I have been trying to do lately, and OMG I have a four year old and two year old and we are dealing with that exact problem right now!! Your approach sounds a lot like Love and Logic!!! I am so happy I found the L&L method.
Hello! I am a mother of three old twin girls and a seven year old girl. Yes, there is mass drama in my house. Ive noticed since my husband and i separated, i yell and lose my temper a lot. I hate this and am trying to work on this. I just reserved the Love & Logic book today at the library. Am i yelling because of the emotional battle of single parenting or the separation? I do know that my girls do not deserve it. So, with God’s help and reading that book, I hope to change this. Definitely going to try the heart thing, as well. Thank you.
I love the simplicity of this message. Punishing or shouting at your kids can seem like the easier or more convenient choice at the time of a dispute, but you’re right: it doesn’t teach them how to problem solve.
Being aware of how you talk to your kids, especially in a heated moment when your initial reaction is to shout, takes practice and you have to work on it daily. The times I shout at my son for being his sixteen-month-old self, I feel like total crap afterwards.
Nobody said parenting was easy.
I like that!
As a former special services teacher that worked with kids with Autism, one of my saving mantras was “Behaviors are Messages.”
That still helps me with my granddaughter.
It helps get past the behavior to see what might be the main difficulty.
We are struggling with our 2.5 year old son right as we cannot seem to find a way to reason with him without using a time out etc…he just continues to scream, yell, kick and defy us…any suggestions?
Yep, check out this free webinar from Positive Parenting Solutions called “How to Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Yelling, and Reminding” It’s full of great information and might give you some good insight into what’s going on behind his behaviors and how to turn things around. Check it out here.
So I have a 3 year old boy and a godson who will be 2 in March. . . They are around each other a lot due to living next door to each other and my sister and I helping each other out. We have noticed that my son will swat at my godson like trying to hit him or will just pinch his arm for absolutely no reason. I have tried talking to him, taking out of the situation and talking, explaining that his cousin doesn’t talk yet And doesn’t understand. Nothing seems to work. Do you have any advice for me?