When I was in undergrad, I distinctly remember sitting in class and watching my professor show us scientific evidence proving that life happiness declines dramatically when we have children..and stays that way until the oldest child moves out of their parent’s home as a young adult.
Divorce rates skyrocket, people get diagnosed more with mental health problems like depression and anxiety, stress goes up, and overall satisfaction with life declines.
So, when got pregnant a few years later, I was scared.
I wanted to be happy. I loved my husband and didn’t want to end up in a divorce. I was scared that just because I had kids, my life would be so much harder and I’d be miserable.
Then I had a child…and 2 years later had another.
Now, 4 years later, I’m still pretty happy and my marriage is still strong.
But, am I as happy as I was before I had kids? Hum…
I think I’m pretty happy, but I do get angrier faster and I do have a lot more stress.
But am I just as happy as before? Yes, and no. Let’s just say…it’s just so different.
A few months ago I was watching a few TED talks and stumbled upon one from the co-founders of Babble. They are married and parents to three little boys.
In their TED talk they discussed the decline of happiness during child-rearing years and figured out that it’s not all doom and gloom as it appears.
This video only shows a snippit of their entire talk (about 3min), but the whole thing is amazing. Just replay it if you want to watch the whole thing…I suggest you do.
And that pretty much sums up my current level of happiness. A bunch of transcendent moments…that I wouldn’t ever give back.
So, is life harder? Yes.
Is it worth it? You bet ya it is.
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I’m so glad you posted this today. I have a 7-month old daughter. Recently, my husband and I have been talking quite a bit about possibly having a second. When I got pregnant, we thought we were one and done. Now I’m not so sure. I’d like to have them close together if we’re going to do this (our ages are a factor; I’m 34, he’s almost 39). But at the same time, I’m terrified. And most of my fears come back to that one question: what if I’m not happy afterward? I love my life now. Having a child changed my life entirely, but now that I’ve adjusted, life is good. I don’t think I’m any less happy than I was before, and my marriage is still strong. But will that still be the case with 2 kids, or will I be frazzled and stressed? Will I snap at my husband constantly and jeopardize our marriage? Will I completely destroy the good thing we have going? I read a similar study to the one you mentioned, about happiness declining with each child you have, and I can’t help but wonder if we’re just doomed to become another statistic by adding a second child to the mix.
Oh my gosh Elizabeth, I totally understand and have felt almost everything that you mentioned. It was a tough decision to have another baby and the whole time I was pregnant with him, I was so scared that my relationships with my husband and my older son were going to be jeopardized because of all the stress of having two kids. I wrote about it here…https://messymotherhood.com/second-baby-thoughts/ Now, 19 months after my youngest was born, we are still surviving, and actually thriving. Again, I can’t say that it’s better or worse…it’s just different than before. Different isn’t always bad, it’s just different.
Nothing has touched my heart the way seeing my daughter with her baby brother has. Having two is hard, to begin with. Its about finding new routines and going with the flow. I was torn at the start not wanting to keep my baby waiting but not wanting to put my daughter second. But they are so funny together. My daughter helps with everything with him and is always cuddling him. And he absolutely lights up whenever she is near. They make each other laugh so much and I can see them being really close as they grow. My husband and I made the mistake of not setting date nights/days or even evenings so I recommend doing that. Seeing the beauty of the world through their eyes and the wonder as they see things for the first time beats any feeling I had before having children. Not to mention the hugs, laughter and being someones whole world.
Great video. I love lectures and discussions that are based on both research and reality. Makes me miss college! And funny enough, I don’t think my marriage has suffered in the slightest since having kids. I would even say it’s stronger than ever before, and we are very much looking forward to more kids down the road.
I agree it is definitely worth it. It is a different kind of happy.